MUNCHKINS!
our first day home, april 6, 2005 | 
CUTE!
September 13, 2006 |
Home 10/31/06,9:06pm haloween is tame to say the least
angie and william are both teething and angie has a fever. they were rather moody but mark spent time with them and they really enjoyed it. of course, we all ate too much candy and managed to get them in some costumes for a minute. answering the door over and over excited them a great deal. it was all around cute, but less enthralling than last year. hopefully next year they will feel good and we'll be able to go trick-or-treating.
NaNoWriMo begins in less than 3 hrs. i'm going to take a nap. i really want to finish this year. my mother is considering taking up my challenge, but i don't know how hard core she'll be. last time she took up my challenge to be vegan she lasted 2 days. i realize this is less extreme a lifestyle change, but i still wonder.
we're supposed to go to san antonio tomorow so i'll be writing on the road. i hope angie feels better. i hate to move her so far when she is feeling icky.
10/30/06,12:43pm procrastinating too far
i still haven't made or bought costumes for the kids for halloween. i guess i'm going to tuesday morning again and if i don't find anything there, it will be back to walmart or party city.
also tomorow will bring the beginning of National Novel Writing Month. i'm hoping to start writing at midnight. i've never finished, and can't really imgaine where i'm going to find the time or energy or lack of harassment to be able to finish this year, but i want to at least try. if anyone would like to compete in word count, i'd love it! i'm so competative that i can't really imagine doing anything significant without that drive to win. it should be elucidating at very least. come on, someone play with me. email me if you're willing to try. i should be easy to beat.
10/29/06,1:06pm brain malfunction...
hormones are important. adjusting them is complicated. living through the adjustment is difficult to say the least. somehow my ability to process concepts, through both my long term memory and short term memory, is slightly tweaked by my meds. this morning i managed to recognise my keys as something they are not. i formerly had the keys that mark now uses daily and has for about 8 months. i honestly believed that those keys were still mine. it wasn't reclaiming, it was true misplaced recognition. i didn't notice my error until i drove all the way to arlington, locked the car and reprocessed the purpose of some of the keys on the ring. talk about a mind fuck. i don't know what else i'm mistaking.....
10/28/06,10:21pm huh?
i'm totally baffled about the way warhouse space in san antonio is set up. you can either purchase 1,000 square feet of space or 5,000. there are few in between options and they tend to sell fast and as of now there are none available. somehow, no one in the city though a number between 1 and 5 was a good way to start their area amount. its like the city has an aversion to numbers not based on the human hand. needless to say, i'm not very happy about this. it looks like we're going to have to build, which is mighty inconvenient. booooo!
as for the kids, traveling was hard on them, i was too tired to take the cute pics i wanted to, and they pretty much got away with only eating junk food for 4 days straight. william seems to be naturally a vegetarian, and angie only wants to eat meat. angie wants to hug and kiss william, crys when he's upset, and offers to share anything she has with him. william avoids angie, crys if he has to share any meal with her, and walks away when she crys. they are so unalike people never assume they are twins when i take them out together, even when i put them in matching outfits and sit them in the double stroller. the only twin thing they do, is the one thing that totally freaks me out about twins, and that's the twin-speak. they are starting to form somewhat intelligable sentences in english with occasional spanish thrown in. tomorrow i'll try to get some video of them dancing. its one of those things i'm sure will be wonderfully enbarassing in 15 years.
10/25/06,12:24am Video Again but different slightly and some nonsense
going to san antonio in the morning. got a bunch of stuff done today and learned that the patriot act totally bites. if a business changes names or entity types then all accounts associated with the old name by law must be closed. it must suck to be a female doctor who changes her name through marriage after opening a practice. thankfully for us it is only mildly annoying. its like the government is either lazy or incompetant or underhanded or all of the above....
also, note how i've become a google fanatic to the point where i enroll in every service they offer and even choose to post their advertising. I LOVE GOOGLE!
and now for the video:
10/24/06,12:10am Video Indeed
10/24/06,12:10am more pictures and video uploading
when i get a link to the video i'll add it in somewhere. the new pics are actually old ones from when we first got the digicam and some scaned ones from the first day home.
in other news, i finished the first draft of the business plan for Texas Grancrete Inc.. it is so estimated its rediculous. we're waiting for so much data that this thing should have about a million revisions by the end of next year.
we're going to san antonio on wednesday to buy a forklift and look for property. we would be going tomorow but we need to register more random forms with the state first.
i'd like to try syndicating this site for my own amusement, but i can't get it to recognise any new posts. anyone got any suggestions as to why? i'll keep trying at it here and there as time permits.
10/23/06,1:26am mind boggling
i'm writing our business plan up and its totally eating me alive. i'm so tired. its so slow to work with people on writing. i'd rather write and then be edited than have to keep discussing every line. it makes my brain hurt.
on the plus side it seems to be slowly lessing the writers block that's been nawing at me the last few years. practice seems to take the rustiness out. if only i could pump out the bs like i used to...
we're going to san antonio tomorow most likely. that all is hinged upon getting the business plan typed out to a reasonable degree and sent to Grancrete. it should be a long trip since my kids and grandma are going with me and mom. i think that is the definition of a slow journey. i'll try to take pics of our adventure.
curtis turned 14 october 20th and Texas Grancrete Inc. was born the same day. woowoo! a website will be up within the month. we just have to finalize our distribution contract. cross your fingers for me.
10/19/06,12:23pm
New Pictures At Last
it only took me a year and a half to get all my pictures up. there are some more out there, that one day i'll get up too, but for now i do hope you enjoy them. i don't know that anyone ever checks this site any more. i swear it seems i am the only one.
today i pulled a totally retarded move and left my keys in mark's car. so then i had to call him at work to bring me the keys. then i think i'm all good to go, just in time to find out that i left the curtesy light on in the van. the battery is totally dead. so dead, the power locks won't even work. my memory and ability to recall normal habits is a bit fucked lately. i swear its my damn meds.......
generic drugs just don't agree with me. its like my body is now so finiky that i can't ingest anything but filtered water and not end up feeling totally high. illegal drugs don't even fuck up my memory and ability to function as much as claratin or apperantly generic zoloft. so now it seems i need to go back to acupuncture on the regular. nothing else seems to be able to stop the insanity that is my body's normal method of functioning.
in the end, i've learned one thing from all this. hormones are important. hormone imbalances eventually can fuck up EVERYTHING! now i just hope some molecular biologist and doctors and chemists figure out how to fix it all, better. until then, its back to my beloved voodoo doctor, Dr. Tsing.
10/13/06,2:39am
I LOVE GOOGLE!
they have the niftiest free web space gadgetry out there. i'm going to move all my pics over there when i get the chance. it looks like that might be a while. restructuring my webspace is time consuming. the kids don't tolerate mommy staring at the computer for very long when they are awake. if it weren't for my insomnia this week i wouldn't have fixed any of this.
some time i swear i'm going to put up a ton of pics of my kids since i have the space.
i'm totally pysched, its 2 weeks to potty training and i'm getting all my supplies ready. also, me and mark are going shopping for toddler beds this weekend. no more cribs. my little monkeys are practically lingual now. they do the funniest stuff. notice my lack of cursing. i finally got what was coming to me there! william's favorite phrases last month were OH SHIT! and OH FUCK! needless to say, i've cut back on the explatives.
the most exciting news yet:
it looks like we're moving to San Antonio. no definite time line, but i'd say in the next 6 months we should be a bit further south. Yippy to the most stressful time of the year being compounded by a long distance move.
9/13/06,10:52pm i'm out of web space!
i'll try to get to the reconstruction to make way for the kiddos sometime this year.
as for the rest of life. it looks like things are about to get very hairy, but very interesting. tomorow will determine how things go. to make a long story short, our family is looking into a large business venture. check out the product and let me know what you think.
Grancrete (TM)(R)
5/27/06,7:37pm after searching the internet for myself i've noticed that my site is a mess and needs some serious clean up. some of my pictures show up in random search engine results, and my geocities site is finally dead and gone. i almost resurected it, and then realized how silly that is. this is the final site. the links to geocities will fade eventually. now i just need to make this site searchable and all that jazz. what a total mess. i've got like 5 differnt files filled with the same blog in different formats. i think i'm going to copy and paste it into yearly blogs in plain html. i'm also considering making this site cgi driven again to accept comments. that will require me to be seriously less retarded about coding the next time.
i'm already dreading the move..... but summer is going to rock cause i'll have some friends around. i miss friends. i miss seeing people during the day. i want some neighbors i can chit chat with. i want ocasional adult conversation. BLEH!
5/6/06,11:37pm no time ever.
life is too fricken busy. Happy Birthday to Mark and Drea!
i don't know how to say this, but i think i'm falling off the internet radar as well as every other one too. if you want to reach me, good luck. i'll still be checking my email, and if you have my phone number, call by the end of june, or i'll be gone. i'm moving yet again. back to good ol' g'vine. BLEH!
one more question about stripping: is it wrong to take a number and throw it away and then talk about it on my blog after giving the address in exchange? i might as well start giving out the atomic clock phone number as my own. although this is far more entertaining for me. life is too complicated to be fending off phone calls from people i don't know. i can hardly handle the ones i do, and email is easier to block.
4/26/06,2:50am forums for fantasy are so fun to play with. interspersing reality with fantasy and assumed fantasy is a treat. one might call it a mind fuck, another a story worth taking home to the other boys on base. i just love it. that's really the hard part of it all. no one wants to hear that i actually like what i'm doing. it started out hard, embarassing, akward. i'm not exactly a high class pro, but i can hold my own now. that's acceptable. being good at something doesn't have to mean you like it, but likeing it doesn't have to mean you fit some abused exploited stereotype either.
i enjoy the absurdity and frivolity and irony of it all, the fact that quite a few very educated women perform silly tasks for money that they feel are more deserving of their time and even more productive than traditional jobs. finally, i've joined them. i especially enjoy that i can play the games at work, or be honest and be equally contradictory. this is how everyone really is inside. people are interesting for their ability to hide their contradictions and slowly reveal them over time. i speed up the process with actions and words that are dissonant.
now i just need to get some repair work and learn some extravagant trick....
4/20/06,12:57am here's a question:
if a man were going to take 20 friends to a strip club for a bachlor party, would it be unreasonable to assume that at least one of these men would be interesting in paying for a lap dance for himself or the bachlor?
perhaps i'm entirely too liberal and expectant of all people being similar, but i would assume that if you go into an establishment you would want to partake of the services at hand. am i totally wrong?
HAPPY 4-20!
4/4/06,5:32pm i don't know what the hell happened to my page earlier.
some problem with uploading totally fucked everything up. i'm glad i managed to find the old copy that got saved. in other news.
the kids had a fabulous 1st birthday at chuck e cheese. the attacked a couple of cakes and rode a couple of rides and went totally ape shit on a sugar high when we got home. it was a lot of fun. i'll post some pics next time i'm over here.
3/7/06,12:31pm looking for a job again. great...... a new way to be endlessly disappointed with myself. i'd almost forgotten how soul crushing job searching can be. although it reallly doesn't help that my marriage is a disaster area of my own making. it just adds to the drama of the whole thing.
3/5/06,6:59pmalmost walkin
william does laps around the coffee table with one hand on it and angie started crawling properly on 3/2, so i'm a bit toward my wits end with chasing small, nonlingual people around to stop them from chewing on toilet paper, old reciepts, shoes, and wires. i guess that's the life.
1/4/06,10:51pm happy holidays!
william started crawling on dec 20. angie started moving backward yesterday. today william pulled himself up to standing all on his own for the first time.
all is well. here are some pics, at last, as promised.
12/8/05,1:47pm
ok ok, so i tried to get new pics up but i can't find my damned usb cable for the camera. lame excuse i know, but i guess it'll have to wait to next time.
as for other stuff. its good. the kids are growing strong and are starting to move around on their own, although they still aren't crawling forward. i read it quite a few times, but i was hoping they wouldn't be too behind. they still have another month before they're actually beyond the normal. 9 months to crawl.... we shall see.
as for me, my health is pretty good, but i think christmas equals kidney infection for me. i'm hoping i'm just paranoid. everything else is reasonable. we're not much of church goers anymore, but i'm still going to get the kids baptized in january. religion change is hard, and going with the kids alone is also hard. oh well.
happy holidays anywho.
12/3/05,1:20pm
finally got it back up!
its good to be back. although i'd encourage you to not poke around since i still haven't found the script that locks it all up.
new pics of the kids will be up next time i have access to the internet. all is well, everyone is happy, the world is right in my corner and even my health is pretty damned good, knock on wood.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
9/7/05,2:27am
zoloft+dicyclomine+double shot expresso+hot dog = drea can't fucking sleep
i'm itchy and my belly aches and the inflatable bed here isn't helping. somehow i guess this is just the way things go....
8/23/05,2:19am
i'm trying again
somewhere along the line i think i turned my brain off and decided that it was ok to not express anything. it was pretty easy being at home alone a lot, being asleep and sick a lot, being pregnant and immobile and asleep alot, being hemorrhagic and sleep deprived and twin laden a lot. although the more i consider it, the more i think its just easy being human and living everyday and turning off.
sometimes i think its an improvement. i'm somehow more zen, closer to some kind of enlightenment or something. most of the time i'm too focused on perpetuating life in the simplest ways to really notice that i stopped talking or stopped thinking. i figure that this is what happens to people. by that i mean, in that what happened to the maya, or the hippies, or the egyptians, kind of way. some of it is war, or bad luck, or oppression, but most of it is repitition to malaise and comfortable apathy.
so if anyone knows how to repair a solar plexis chakra or an 86 toyota celica st, drop me a line because i need my direction again and to have a legally running car to take me where it is i should be going once i find it.
8/23/05,1:41am
i don't think anyone is listening anymore, but in case you are....
the munchkins are sleeping and i should be too but i'm still a masochist that way and feel a need to do this even though this site is a complete wreck and still looks like shit after 4yrs of tinkering about with it.
i've been typing and retyping for 15 mintues and it feels like 2 hrs, so i guess i don't really have anything i'm willing to say or the energy to type it out coherantly. goodnight and someone drop me a line sometime.
8/7/05,4:34pm
i don't know what the hell is going on with my web space, so i'm just going to start over.....
things are busy busy busy. it looks like next month i might have internet access again and be able to get my moveable type data back in line, but its a real bitch to keep having to move it, so i might just retrieve my data and go back to the old school long form html methods, like this
the kids are 13lbs and 13lbs 12oz as of 5 days ago. angie is thinner than william but also 1/2 and inch shorter, so i guess they're both chunky monkies!
my health is better, but my hair is falling out everywhere......nothing quite like bald spots.
uhm.... my brain is fried and i don't know what else to say. everyone should check out the crazy physics movie: what the bleep do we know?
laters... but what the hell?!?!?!?
i can't get any pics to post up....
so now i finally got the old one up and can't get a new one........
GOT IT!!!!
it seems i'm running out of web space.... FUCK!
time to do some serious reorganization.
it is 7/22/05, they reorganized my webspace and i don't have time to fix it all now. deal with it. i'll try again some day
Archives:
Ranting (from my attempt at moveable type)
Ranting
More Ranting
Old Guestbook: View Guestbook, Sign Guestbook
March 03, 2005
almost there
the twins are past 4lbs now, so we're just about ready to deliver. they aren't due till april 20, so hopefully the bed rest i've been on forever will work until then.
we registered at target and baby's r us under mark sharpless. i figured that would be easier for all his friends at work, and would encourage my family to finally remember his name. :o)
its hard to have much to say when i never leave the house any more. feel free to call and amuse me. i have att wireless and free nights after 7pm and weekends. if you're having a lame night, i'm sure mine is lamer and we can talk about it, hehe.
i won't be online again for a while, bc i keep forgetting the wireless card at mom's place. i'm only online now cause i was fixing javi's puter and now its working, but he's coming to pick it up later today.
i guess i'll post again one day, maybe with some baby pics!
Posted by maydrea at March 3, 2005 03:36 PM babies u have yet? I hope all is well with you and the dude (suppo Mark).
Take care,
H
Posted by: hort at May 2, 2005 06:52 PM
Post a comment
May 06, 2005
chugging along....
the kids are growing and starting to finally look like little chunklets. there's a pic from when they first came home added in my pics section. they're bigger now, but i still can't find my digital cam.
the arthritis i had a while back is returning with a vengence. its gotten to the point that i can't close my hands or perform any fine tasks like buttoning buttons, or opening bottles. acupuncture got rid of it last time, so hopefully it will again. the idea of being unable to pick up the kids really sucks. right now the fam is helping a lot, and its hard on everyone.
kelly is coming next week, so that will be awesome. i feel bad taking up everyone's free time all the time over here. gotta spread the fatigue around, and it'll give kelly a feel for 2 kids so she won't feel bad telling people to fuck off when they pressure her about having another baby.
i have a lot of pics, and will send them as soon as my hands are good enough to drive. all i need is addresses. if you'd like one, email me your mailing address, maydrea@gmail.com.
i'm sleep deprived and coming off pain killers and acupuncture, so i don't have the presence of mind to explain what the last month has been like. all i can say is happy birthday mark, tomorow, and i love you. this too shall pass.
Posted by maydrea at May 6, 2005 06:18 December 16, 2004
tryin again
trying again
08:39 PM finally
moveable type for whatever reason just died on me. something seemed to corrupt one of the databasing drivers and i just couldn't get it to work, so i had to reinstall so i have no idea is the old stuff will still be there....
08:26 PM November 12, 2004
fallin down the stairs
a couple days ago mark took a real acrobatic fall down the stairs. he fell so hard that he didn't come to or breath for a while and scared the shit out of me. mom thought he was dead. his eyes were open the whole time. it was crazy that he didn't even bruise bad. its one of those few times i froze. i don't know what the hell i'd do. thankfully he's fine.
as for my recent decision to withdraw and block out people, i'm sorry. it was a long time coming, but not surprizing. my reasons are mainly to get my life together and smooth it out, and i need some space and simplification. i'm sorry.
in more pleasant news, our sono is on the 19th, and we're very excited. one week and i can stop holding my breath hoping everything is ok. we shall see. i kepp having these dreams that there is more than one......
Posted by maydrea at 04:58 PM November 09, 2004
thanksgiving planning
my family is getting enirely too large, especially considering its not even really complete. for thanksgiving this year there will be no less than 13 people, and up to 17. mom and i decided the table setting will be formal and we will all sit at the same table. of course, this means the table has to be at least 12 ft and we have to come up with chairs and linens and to serve that many. we also have to empty out a room to fit a 12 ft table and chairs and people and enough food in. its sure to be absurd enough with those circumstances, but it gets even better. my brother javi has a 12ft table he got from work that he's going to set in my sisters house, so location is decided by default. since mom is working, grams doesn't want to cook, cori is working, nick is working, leo is working, and i'm not sposed to be on my feet forever, javi has also decided he's going to be cooking. the thing is, i don't recall javi ever in my life cooking a full meal. the only thing i've ever seen him do is bbq, and while he does that well, he doesn't really ever eat vegetables, much less cook them, so i'm pretty amused by the whole prospect of this turning out on time, and tastey.
Posted by maydrea at 09:23 PM November 04, 2004
Changes
I'm no longer on aim, friendster, orkut, msn messenger, and i'm migrating away from my hotmail accounts, so the only thing that will be left by next year is my google account. my links are getting whittled down, and i'm now movable typed. the reason for all this is basically to move on away from the past, and my obsession with procrastinating uselessly on the internet. from now on, the goal is to return to making all the things i do at least somewhat productive, not self destructive, and in some way necessary.
as for this page being a bitch, i don't know why it won't fit on the page inside the frame. it sizes just fine when its in its own window, but it just won't here. i don't get it. i've been messing with it for a while to no avail. any suggestions on how to make the stupid bottom scroll bar go away would be greatly appreciated.
as for nanowrimo, i've been having issues with writers block and my own insecurities with my writing and creativity. i hope i can sit down soon and get something moving. every time i've tried, i've just gotten frustrated and erased it all. i think hand writing is the answer. we shall see....
Posted by maydrea at 06:26 PM October 30, 2004
problems with this format
why doesn't it fit?
i don't know where all the extra padding is, but i don't like it. that big space on the right really bugs me.
also, i changed the scroll bar colors on the other pages cause that gleaming standard windows coloring bugged me, and now i can't get it to work on this page.
oh yeah, and whine whine whine....
my belly aches and water makes me feel like vomiting.
Posted by maydrea at 12:36 PM so sick
so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick.......
i don't know what went to wrong, but something sure as hell did. we went to the doctor on thursday for blood work, and they told us i'm far enough along to start taking the zoloft again, and that i should since my belly has been distended for 2 weeks and my colon hurts like a bitch. when i first started taking it, they made me take it in increasing dosage slowly. for some reason, since no one said anything, and i took it for so long before, i just popped a whole pill last night and figured that today maybe my belly might wake up and act semi normal again.
wishful fucking thinkin.... i woke up at 5 am with that wonderful gastritis feeling and the never ending nausea that comes with it. one thing i've learned about that is not to give in to it, cause it doesn't help at all. so long gory story short and less disgusting, i'm dehydrated, and can't manage to drink very much at a time. everyone is asleep or at work, and i'm light sensitive so this whole computer thing is sucking ass.
antianxiety medication my ass. that shit has me so worried its silly. of course since its meant to increase my colon's seritonin uptake, i guess it over did its job. fucking medicine......
Posted by maydrea at 11:31 AM October 29, 2004
test
testing this shit out
finally it works
now for tryin out some pictures
Posted by maydrea at 11:41 PM January 06, 2005
what a month
uhm, so i think i might have got this thing working again.
piece of shit that it is.
i disappeared for a while cause i was soooo sick, yet again. this year kinda takes the cake though. i spent christmas eve through jan 3 in the hospital. fun stuff.
i'm doing much better now, and the twins are fine, but man did that suck. now i'm not allowed to be by myself ever, and i have to go to the doctor constantly.
i guess its not so different from normal, but i feel kinda silly all the time. sometimes i can't even get up and need help walking around. talk about annoying for everyone.
so merry christmas and happy new year a bit late.
more Archives
|Home|
Archives:
Ranting (from my attempt at moveable type)
Ranting
More Ranting
Old Guestbook:
View Guestbook,
Sign Guestbook
10/30/04,12:54pm
for my sanities sake i am going to try moving over without actually moving everything over. this stuff is staying here, and the new shit is moving
OVER HERE
10/30/04,1:08am
wooohooo
got the moveable type installed. don't know that i like it. gotta configure it. not so sure about what i'm gonna do with it relative to the rest of this mess......
NaNoWriMo starts in 2 days! i'm gonna try it again this year, and i'll even try not to be horribly embarassed at how awful the quantity is over the quality. you should try it to! its like a very long drawn out writing excersise for the masochistic. 50,000 words in 30 days. come on, i dare you!
10/28/04,9:34pm
Happy Birthday Heather!
the whole dynamic web page thing is kinda in limbo since i'm having issues with the texaspassion.com host and don't really know if i should just change hosts or what. what a bitch. this site was gonna be the guinea pig, but i'm hesitant to start until i know it'll turn into something.
in other news. the house is starting to be almost livable again, and may even have a normal living room and kitchen by the time thanksgiving hits. if that's the case i'll post some pics of the miracle.
went to the doctor today and got blood tests run, found out i can restart some of my meds, and scheduled a sono for nov 19! so exciting.... we should be able to confirm everyone's suspiciouns about this little lump being a girl. we still don't have even the slightest idea about a name. so far, the suggestions from friends include alexandra and cecilia. both are better than anything we've come up with and can't agree on.
and here are some pictures from our little trip to san antonio after our wedding:
10/1/04,5:15pm
the wedding pictures are up.
the thumbs are actually in right now and the full pics are taking forever to upload. soon enough i guess.
other than that not much is up.
i'm working on learning to make dynamic web pages with mysql and php and/or perl. i guess this means that soon enough i'll be totally restructuring the page, although i seriously doubt i'll be industrious enough to change the color scheme or layout, seeing as i have absolutley no idea what else i would do.
9/24/04,6:00pm
if its not one thing its another.
the wedding went off without any problems. it was a lot of fun. we have the disposable
pics in and are just waiting for the digitals from those who brought cameras as well as the
real prints from ben. i'll upload them tonight.
married life is nice and chill so far, although the whole name change thing is going to take
forever to finalize and we're still waiting for the license to be processed.
thanks for all the gifts from our target and kohls registries and otherwise. they're all
awesome and helpful and should make our transition out of the forever under construction
house a lot easier.
now i just have to find some way to get out of debt..............
9/12/04,1:21am
lost and found
i finished reading love in the time of cholera and felt moved but tried to shake it
for fear of deeper meaning i don't care to think about.
went to the g'vine debate tourney to find a shween and only ran into julian who gave me such
a weird look i almost had a panic attack for old times sake, and exchanged akward
pleasntries before avoiding boyd till i got hungry and went to grapefest for carnival food.
walked so much considering all things that i went to sleep at 8:30 and was lead to feeling
very very lame by a 10:30 call from shween beckoning me to a life i'm leaving for the same
reasons i'm tired and can't walk without a nap shortly afterward.
got up at 12:30 to get a drink and found my good pal the internet full of old friends to
amuse me till i got the will to write this.
i'm lost in who i was interuppting who i am and who i want to be and found in a new
simplicity and willingness to leave that all behind except for the people who i love for
more than all those little details that made the old life i had what it was. some people
get pushed out for circumstance, and others for sheer lack of any way to reconcile the new
and the old, but i can live with that. the only thing that's tough is seeing where i am
clearly enough to be able to know how to step forward. its like dancing in the dark alone.
i guess that's the way life always is, but i've never been able to see it before for all the
over planning and determined movement i made despite all sanity before. i'm just hoping i
don't fuck anything up too much, and remember to apologise and try to make up for it when i
do.
8/31/04,4:29pm
ok, details finalized.
wedding 3-6p on friday sept 17 at a nice hotel thanks to the
help of the fam.
i've got a dress that fits, although we're still trying to figure out what kind of shirt to
put on mark.
rings, and stuff like that are done. we just need to pick the food and the cake and
finalize it all.
plus we need some flowers....hotel reservations are made to sleep in san anton and i think
makeup is being figured out on sunday the 12th. its getting close, but i think its all
gonna be ok.
as for passion parties, i'm about to revamp the web page. everyone says it looks depressing
and i'm starting to agree. it needs a little rejuvination, so i'll probly be doin that
soon. we're on a recruiting roll thanks to google and our sponsor linda brewer. google
cost a fortune, but its paying off and its been slowed down a bit to cut the cost until we
can catch up with the schedule.
as for the job hunt, i got nothin, but i guess that means i should just get busier with
texas passion. medicaid is better than nothing i guess. my loans are really annoying me,
but i guess that's what deferment is for.
with that thought, so sleepy. nap time.
8/26/04,5:55pm
so the wedding is on sept 17 in the early evening. i'm going to try to make some place
cards of some kind, for lack of time for invitations. i still don't have a dress that fits,
nor flowers, but that seems inconsequential at this time. i've got someone to preform the
ceremony, a place, friends and family, and rings. it should work out just fine.
leo's gonna be here in a week, and i gather he's moving to austin. it'll be nice to have
him back again. i miss him a lot and he'll get to see the crazy house.
i've been so pissy lately cause my mom is on her high horse and then some, but i think she's
just stressed about this house and work and sal being hurt and me being apperantly inept for
a change. i think she's let up a bit today since i got medicaid to cover me now that i'm
totally indegent. kelly suggested unemployment, but i think i'll wait till i'm more
desperate.... that's a pleasant thought.
8/12/04,3:33pm
ya know, life is really funny.
once again, plans change so fast, and things change so fast and i'm so happy its all silly.
moving sooner than later, and further details will be postered further off. the next couple
months are going to complete chaos. please excuse my erradic planning, i'm not very good at
anything else. i know this is very vague, but bear with me, i don't want to jump any guns.
7/29/04,2:43am
its been a week but it feels like 5 yrs
i'm doing too many damned things at once and feeling weird about it all cause i keep going
back and forth between taking the zoloft and not cause i forget or i'm jsut fucking
stubborn. its hard to choose between smiling lazy zombie and angry evil productive bitch,
for me at least. those who have to deal with me prefer lazy to evil.
in more pleasant news, the wedding planning is off and running, but no reservations have
been made yet. this shit is all kinds of complicated... its either gonna be fort worth,
arlington or grapevine or colleyville. and i think its gonna be all outside maybe....
mark's sister had a baby girl that's long and chubby and cute as a button. sometime the
long promised pics will include that too.
ARG! i wish it were possible to go back and not be a bubbling idiot and ruin great
friendships with my stupidity! i would like to rant about how the hell i'm supposed to just
let go of a best friend over gender issues for some cooling off period that seems like its
going to be eternal. its all entirely too hard to understand for my medicated pea brain!
blah blah blah blah! angry nonsense at the stars! why should i be reasonable toward other
people instead of the callous bitch i've always been!?!
in the remodels news, the kitchen is full of new cabinets has no sink or counter tops or
flooring, but somehow it looks awesome even without anything useful in it.
7/22/04,2:46am
i did it, finally
fixed all that texaspassion web site problem. it took long enough. i finally got the site
back, now i just want to transfer it to godaddy cause they have customer service and they're
real nice. its no fun hunting down a dn registrar formerly in iran that got bought out by
australians, and it only took all damned day. never doing that again. fuck them.
in much happier news. the sales stuff is going well and soon enough i'll be qualified to
trade mutual funds. then i can do a wide array of random ass shit. plus i'm going to force
myself to get writing tonight about how the hell we plan on setting up medical archival
software.
as for the mark and me sitch. its going entirely too well. i think the end of this month
will bring us shacking up together so we can get serious about this wedding planning and to
appease the crazy family i have who are very intent on me being insanly sure that this is
what i indeed want. its funny how they are all about holy unions and me being catholic
right up until it requires them to attend a real event that might involve my father, then
its suddenly time for a family trip to vegas for me to get hitched. and people wonder why
i'm nuts.....
the wedding is going to be very small. probably about 50 people, right now about 20 family
and the rest friends of mine since mark is very dissociated from his past. from the way
things are shipping up in this little head of mine i'm guessing we'll get married outside
and have the reception at mi mums. courtney and ben have volunteered to photograph and my
brother is going to be very instumental in food. i know enough alcoholics to make the bar
tending a sinch and so all that's left over is tables, music, flowers and a seamstress. i
found a place online that shipps in tables and clothes and settings at a very reasonable
price over night. so if nothing else better arises, that's that. so really i just need
some dresses and tuxes, an alteration, and some flowers, oh yeah, and a guestlist besides
the one in my head. woot!
7/21/04,9:35pm
the australians stole texaspassion.com
and they will pay, or i will. i don't know how the hell this shit works but now i'm pissed
about it. it went from i can't get ahold of my host before the expiration to i can't get it
transfered cause its on hold to i can't get it from them cause they don't hold it anymore
and i don't own it anymore. I'M MAD!
beyond that things are caotic as ever. i'm sleepy now. fuck this shit.
7/8/04,6:22pm
something deep down is starting to hurt today and a single conversation made it that much
more painful. i know i've changed more than i can ever begin to explain to myself, much
less anyone else, so i have no idea how to reconcile that all together in one body.
mark and i are looking at engagement rings, houses, dishes, dates, religion, its all rather
overwhelming, but i'm happy. i'm starting to feel cultural pressure like none other and for
the first time in my life i don't know what to do about it. i can't just be defiant like
always bc i've gotten so comfortable not being such. i don't want to be some subjugated
personality half formed from a betty crocker cookbook just to make this work. i think there
can be a synergy but its seeming like no one else sees it but mark and i and i don't know
how much more i can take of my mother extremely heavily implying that if i don't get my act
together real quick i'm going to suck as a house wife and have a husband that resents me.
let just hope this starts to make more sense so i don't lose my mind.
6/25/04,1:26pm
i love the internet and internet access and bloggin for no damned good reason other than to
vent to no one and everyone.
i swear that today the pics are going up, including some stolen ones.
harry potter is crack. i'm half way through the forth one and i'm still weak and tired, but
its so easy and readable and inthralling. i don't have to think so much, but somehow my
brain
doesn't feel mushy like when i just sleep all day and moan to myself.
in other news. i need to start typing the sortware shit, but man, i'm much better about
planning on paper, and it doesn't ever convert to type well cause i use my own set of drea
symbols that don't make sense to other people......
at long last, my blog might just be getting organized. i dled moveable type, but i'm
feeling
entirely too lazy to deal with what exactly i'm going to do with the old content. this is
brought the change to organization to a stand still. it will happen though, just not this
year
if past displays of my web updating are any indication. any suggestions are welcome.
6/24/04,5:40pm
busy busy... i'm in for a weekend of serious learning and construction along with the rest
of these antibiotics that are really working, but really harsh. healing is painful when the
damage is bad, but i think it'll be really good again soon. woopy, no more kidney pain plus
a job and construction...
if i weren't sleeping constantly and totally muscle weak, i might get to everything i want
to get done this wekend, but i don't know if i will. gotta get started writin plan
for this software project we are attempting to embark on. gotta see farenheit 911. gotta
go to this session to learn about finance. gotta post pics. gotta finish harry potter 4.
gotta gotta gotta slow down from the looks of things, lol.
been thinking alot of a certain phone call incedent the other day and feeling more and more
like a total asshole for being so stupid. i'm just gonna have to figure that one out bc my
head is still not letting it go. life if just too complicated to have silly problems.
ARG! once again, i swear sometime si'll get my shit together and bring the camera down the
stairs and plug it in....
6/23/04,4:31pm
what a month.
focus grouping with heather went well plus super fun, plus good prospects for the future.
sometime i'll post the new project up for you all to make suggestions or express interest.
too much to say, too little time.
now i just need some sanity. health is good, well good for me. my state with some friends
is fucked up from my own stupidity. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. things with mark are
awesome now after a lot of talking about my own paranoid impressions of reality.
my dad expressed interest in my life and improving our relationship, so i let it all out as
tactfully as possible. we'll see where that goes.
i swear sometime i'll post pics. scouts honor.
now its tme to frantically make some end of business day calls and get back to the
construction duties that come with living here.
5/18/04,8:53pm
got a new cell and a new number so as to not have to eat the cell phone cancelation fee
cause cingular is a bitch. i don't want a cell, but those who track me and like to talk to
me wish it, so i oblige. if you have my old cell number i'll be changing the voicemail to
pass on my new number. don't be shocked to find that my new voice mail on my new phone will
be for texas passion. feel free to order ;o)
in other news, i'm going to have a busy ass day tomroow meeting my sister for lunch, then
finishing packing, then going to help mark move in. come thursday morning i'll be on my way
to NYC to work with heather.
now the mom calls. she's been super clingy and worried today, so i must go.
5/15/04,10:52pm
waitin for one of those response emails so i can log in to expedia so i can buy a ticket to
NYC to meet heather for some focus group, an chicago later. gotta get on that too...
so now its done and i'm going to nyc on thursday and coming back the next thrusday. gonna
miss my mom's birthday, so i have to do something about that in the mean time.
my birthday rocked, and as i keep promising, there will be pics eventually. birthday
parties are too much fun. plus i got some cool ass toys and only was midly embarrassed by
drunken comments that were made about my oddness.
now i just have to get my shit together and get a job and stop being so silly tired. i
babysat for cori all week and i was a zombie the whole time. i'm so out of it and sleepy
it's silly. i sleep all day and i'm still sleepy and my body aches. i think i'm detoxing
after too much drinking and smoking and smoking and caffine. my body is not cooperating
with much of anything.
5/4/04,5:56pm
finally found the camera, so now i can post pics some time.
cleaning the room leo and i once again share bc it was totally out of hand. he insisted he
wasn't going to stay, or move in, or unpack, so things just kept getting more and more
cluttered and messy and crowded, so now its totally getting redone. sucky thing is, i'm
just tired and my belly is being annoying.
had an awesome time partying with mark over the weekend, and i hope i haven't made it too
akward for him at work. i'm awefully goofy when i'm drunk, and i managed to eat way too
much before we went out, and my belly has been not so pleasant for a while now, and so yeah,
i puked, and that didn't help the situation.
i was, let us say, indisposed and unable to leave the room to go to an appropriate place to
throw up, so he went to get a trashcan without a shirt on, and had to go downstairs for it,
so a lot of people got to comment. these were all people he works with. not to mention
that that's the least interesting and most postable of the nights interesting happenings.
next weekend is birthday time for both of us, plus mother's day and i'm totally at a loss.
so many things are up in the air that the only thing i'm sure of is that i'm going to austin
the night of my b-day to party.
4/25/04,11:20pm
business and chillin and tearing down walls.
i felt like writing, but now i'm kinda sleepy.
hung out with shween and mark and met some of marks friends. went to a seminar and learn
alot of stuff. met some people there and networked.
leo went to austin, and shween came up. and now he's back and we tore down a wall and i'm
babbling incoherantly. the kitchen/den keeps getting bigger and more one room like. the
lego house continues.
me nose is dripping.
going to gossip with the peo.
4/22/04,4:16pm
the house got some work done on it by the fam last weekend, which i managed to skip out on
cause i'm so sickly and still do so much and was house bound till them. so they had to turn
off all the power in the house to require the breaker box and somehow that confused the
router and now the wireless stuff no worky worky. so now this is annoying, but i finally got
the internet back up and i'm so happy to have it back again.
me and mom are now in healthy mode, and working out again and eating better and i'm starting
to dress slightly more like a chick and less like what i used to, so basically i'm wearing
pink and like a pair of cutie heals. i'm even seriously considering tanning and i've been
wearing shorts!
mark and i are going to a club tonight with some friends of his and i'm excited. i just
don't get out enough and especially with new people, and i actually feel tolerable today.
woo woo!
uhm, yeah, now i remember, me and leo are going to austin this weekend and then laredo, it
seems. we'll see about that when it happens. i may stay in austin and chill with the
shweener. mark can't join us cause he has to be all grown up and responsible and work. i'll
try to remember to take pics.
4/16/04,6:28pm
eye pokin complete!
mom got her eyes lasiked and now she's gonna have perfect vision. CRAZY! too bad i'll
probly always be blind cause my health sucks.
so now all the plans for tomorow are all kinds of up in the air. i'm sposed to spend time
with cori at some tae kwan do tourney so she can sleep? this is instead of rewiring the
house with day laborers and instead of spending time with mark. considering leo was sposed
to come and wait for mom with me and didn't, i think that should mean he should wait with
cori and i should go out with mark.
mark's on his way over, and we're going to the fort worth main street art festival, me
thinks. should be fun.
talked to luc last night and this morning, and i think i'm ever so slightly evolving from my
stevens funk, and its nice to have someone to remind me of it. plus, i still need to do
something else with myself besides totally veg.
talked to shween last night, and me also thinks i'll be going to visit her next weekend,
with mark, on my way to visit the grams and luc. nothing official yet, so i'll be making
officiating calls later, maybe tomorow.
leo sucks big green goat balls cause he's threatening to restart the dell.
mom's wearing goggles and its hilarious!
4/15/04,9:11pm
my mom is crazy spontaneous.
she's getting her eyes redone tomorow around noon. talk about quick turn around.
she decides to do that today and they give her an appointment in enough time for us to drive
over there, and then book her to have the procedure today. crazy shit!
in other news, i seem to have misplaced my camera, and my mom seems to have misplaced the
other digital, so i'm digitaless! its probably in my disater area of a room. since leo has
moved in, i've totally stopped cleaning. i've also totally stopped doing a lot of things,
like eating reasonably and working out and sleeping seminormally. so i think i might clean
tonight dispite my extreme fatigue and sore body and pissy attitude. i kinda miss taking
pics i never post, plus i need to get some from leo and from cori some time.
4/15/04,2:05pm
so yesterday totally sucked, but it didn't really get to me. for a second
i really just wanted to die,but then it passed and i continued purging out
both ends and kinda got to laughing about it. its nice to actually let
people help me now and not fight it and be a big pain in the ass. mark
had fantastic timing and came over right as the puking started, but he
didn't take off. he stayed till it was bed time, and didn't mind the
extent to which i get disgusting and rediculous about it. so today isn't
so bad. i'm sore all over, and have a fear of ingesting anything, but
it'll pass very soon. this whole meal of bread and water thing isn't
gonna last to tonight.
so now i'm taking mom to plano to get a screening for lasic eye thingy
with dr. boothe. eyes that work in this family? is that allowed?
4/13/04,6:04pm
easter was so nice. candy and eggs and brunch and family and video games
and mark got along with everyone and i made it throught the day
tolerably. today and yesterday seriously sucked, and the pain continues
so today i broke down and took a muscle relaxer and pain killer cocktail
along with my normal set of pills. last night i smoked a lot with court
bc she found out she's sick again and was really upset. i really wish the
best for her and hope she comes out of this ok. everyone cross your
fingers and pray for no cancer.
i went to easter mass with mark, and i'm thinking again about getting
confirmed in may. i'm gonna have to think about that more. he didn't
seemed to weirded out by it all, and may even have had a good time. my
family did pick on him, but that's just cause they like him. its so weird
to see, but its like he's been chillin with us for a lot longer than he
has. its like bizaro world or something, and i love it.
mmmmmm i can't seem to really think too well today and my ears and eyes
hurt, so i kinda don't know what the hell i'm talking about.
leo and i started the detox diet today, but considering i'm so weak and
lazy and we smoked and i took a bunch of drugs, i doubt my liver is any
happier today than last night when it was at a nice dull ache. hard to
say over the belladonna.....
4/10/04,12:02am
pain pain pain pain pain pain
can't sleep, can't sit still, can't walk around, can't think, can't talk
coherantly, seem to be typing ok, as long as i don't think abou it. now i
remember why i did so many drugs. it used to be like this for weeks, now
it hardly lasts 2 days, but its still just about unbearable. especcialy
since there isn't any garuntee that it will stop in two days. funny thing
is, this isn't as bad as it gets. i'm not fevered or delerious or seeing
black or blacking out, or falling over, or whining and moaning like a big
puss, so i guess its been worse. i have this incredible urge to chain
smoke and run, which is always funny cause i can hardly waddle around. i
want to escape my body and run around the neighborhood screaming bloody
murder. its especially funny because i'm at my sister's house while the
kids sleep cause jav is out on a date, and somehow this isn't an
appropriate leo job, but leo is here to watch me. any way, that's not
anything to do with the humor of it all. i grew up across the street, and
i used to walk the neighborhood in the middle of the night when i had
insomnia all those years in high schoola dn when i cane home from stevens
sick those first couple years. now its not the same insomnia. this is
more the insomnia of pain i had that gives me flash backs to the balcony
at alpha sig and smoking filterless reds and telling people horrible sad
stories frantically and nonchalantly as they came out to chat with me, and
drinking tequila until i couldn't feel anything and couldn't remember
anything but math and physics somehow. little flashes of tutoring druk
off my ass at 3am and getting people to do shots with me while i helped
them cram for clacl 3 and somehow helped them get their gpa's up. it
hurts to type now. my arms are so crmaped up i'm sweating and my little
fingers aren't moving in the right time so i keep haivng to earase things.
now its getting to hard to keep typing, so i'm going to get my babysitter
leo to go buy me cigs while i sit and sit the sleeping children. pain
really fucks with my head.
4/9/04,7:50pm
ughiness
sometimes i just hate having so many hormonal problems. suckage!
everything hurts and i'm moody and frustrated and tired and can't think
and i'm so hot all over. SUCK! nap time.
4/5/04,7:42pm
so productive its sick
fueled up the mini, took the chrysler for a check up (bad starter), fixed
the garage door, changed leo's oil (pain in the ass over tightened filter), trimmed front
hedge, laundry, more laundry, ate hot dogs (mmmm hebrew national), talked
to mark (things seem to be working out), looked for new starter, counted
needed light bulbs and replaced, desqueeked floor, got geared up to
disassemble the toyota tomorow and try to ressurect it
now its time for more laundry and some chair fixing and some gateway
formatting, followed maybe by some trying to fix the plexiglass monster,
followed by some cookies, and some reading about celicas, and some
pilates. then i think i'll pass out from sheer lack of any idea i could
do all that with the help of my bro in one day.
seriously need to dl some pics after locating camera.......
4/5/04,9:12am
my car is dead at the moment, and i can't quite figure out what the
problem is. something tells me, igniter/fuel injector, and i don't know
where to begin with that.
worst part is, mark's car is dead, and he was using mine so he could save
up money for a new one. its not like i do anything, or go anywhere, so no
biggy, except that now he's carless. somehow this points to, i need to
get my ass back to work, although i'm not sure how.
i hate my living situation, and something is gonna have to give soon, and
hopefully this time it won't be me.
3/31/04,7:18pm
no longer wanted, so things are way less exciting. the antisocials have
power in the house now, so no more guests, and now more fighting, or
critisism, or fun. we are unhappy and antisocial and false and
noncommunicative and weird as hell here. no normal or fun or especially
funny allowed. yeah, so i really hate sal's kids now, for the plain
reason that they hate me and mine. i tried to be nice, and to be helpful and
talk some sense into them, but they prefer to be little shits with bad
diets, no friends, no social skills, fatness and no consideration. dustin
told his mom that he doesn't want to come over here any more bc all we do
is critisize him. of course this is our fault, and not the fact that the
boy never improves, tries, or even acknowledges that he's imperfect and
change might be in order. sal, of course can't handle the thought that
the boy might not come back, so we must all coddle him. fucker.
so now i just have to make some money and move the fuck out of here. too
bad i have an ear infection and my colon has decided that bleeding is fun,
again. i'm so mad at all this. i'm gonna have to start talking shit
soon, before i kill someone.
3/26/04,6:39pm
woohoo, i'm wanted in arlington!
gotta warrent for my lack of inspection of my car and the ticket i got for
it. great day, really. best part is that i can't pay the ticket until
monday for lack of any place to pay it, other than jail, if they pick me
up. mmmmmm.......
so now i'm looking around for a job that will treat me ok and not pay for
shit. i'm too sickly to be poor and without benefits. as it is, i can
hardly afford my meds with the help of insurance.
mark is gonna come chill with me again tonight, and shween is coming into
town. should be a good one. courtney is also interested in drinking, so
it can't get much better. great freinds, great relationship, better
health, warrent, new web site, thanks to luc. woohooo...
now i just have to get my ass in gear and restucture the site so its not
brute html anymore. plus, there are a ton of pics i just never post. it
will happen, oh yes, this time its gonna be the all new maydrea site...
eventually
3/17/04,1:35pm
babysitting kids who are old enough to know better is awesome. this consists of me sitting
around, and him sitting around, and doing what he's supposed to without me asking. curtis
is awesome. i love my nephew.
went and visited kelly and chad and kaiya with leo yesterday. SOOOOOOOOO cute. she's gonna
be tall, beautiful and smart as all hell. she also eats so much that i couldn't get a pic
that i wouldn't feel intrusive about. they seem to be doing well, and are making great
parents. it really freaked leo out, but somehow, i was totally comfy. its great to see
them all so happy and healthy and loving. kaiya is an amazingly well behaved kid. very
social, and attentive, and not fussy or loud. the cutest thing was how intent she was to
always look at whoever was talking, and how her eyes would get all wide whenever she heard
chad's voice. its always so surreal for me to realize they can hear inside the womb, and
get attached to voices around them.
3/7/04,6:13pm
in a real mood today
feeling tired and totaly listless and blank in the head.blank blank blankb lank b l a n k
i think the books are done, but every time i say that, they aren't.
tomorow me and mom are taking grams back to corpus cause she's nutty and wants it that way.
this foils any plans of me hangin with luc, along with the fact that he seems mighty annoyed
with me lately. so it goes. i'm an ass without a plan, and total lack of faith in things
working out, so i move on, and just kinda hope that something does work out, but i don't
know what that would be, or what it would entail. so what do you do when you have no faith
in personal logistics? what do you do when you're not in any position to move or see any
end to the situation you're in? what do you do when you're entrenched in family locally? i
don't know what i'm supposed to do, but i feel bad harassing the same friends all the time,
meeting no one new really except guys i end up dating and don't really like, until recently.
so now i've met someone nice and we hang out a lot and for lack of a better term, we're
dating. what the hell is really so wrong about that? i'm still not ready for anything
serious, and still entrenched in my family, and still love all the people i always have, but
now i've found someone new and nice. i don't know where that's going, but it feels good now,
so why focus so much on plans i'm not ready for? i don't know what i'm doing next week,
much less next year. i have some modest goals, but so far, things haven't worked out enough
for me to get too attached to planing.
some kind of clarity would be nice at this point, but i'm working too much on flowing like a
river and being the uncarved block cause clarity just aint happening.
oh yeah, and remember, i'm moody, so don't go reading into this too much. i am ranting.
3/1/04,4:47pm
weird weird and more weird
so much happens in a few days, 2 weeks means a hell of a lot. i'm just about done with the
books for my mom, and i'm gearing up for cori's. takin a little break to write, but
mindlessly reconciling numbers is not exactly inspiring.
the internet is a crazy place. made a couple new friends. and met a really nice guy i
guess i'm dating, or whatever. pics will follow. i don't know what to think about all that
just yet, and from what i gather neither does he. its just weird over the web, and its hard
to find time to get to know someone new.
after i met him, i went straight to the valley. timing is always just screwy with me. got
stuck in airport limbo for the billionth time on feb 20th, then my fam gave up and bought a
ticket instead of trying to fly standby. once i got down there, i chilled with the grams,
went to visit my evil uncle and his very cute little kids,(pics will follow) and then ran
away from his evilness to visit luc.
kick ass time. and i bet i have some more pics to put here too. nothing like a long ass
talk, with a best friend. its screwy that we talk all the time, and are so close, but never
see eachother, but that's life i guess. i don't really know what to say or do about it. i
guess i should just be grateful i have people in my life i really love and who love me
regardless of where they are.
then there was poker and more poker and food and more poker. i lost a lot, and then luc and
nereo and jeric came to dinner at my gram's place and to check out the diseased roses, and
some charm someone gave gram that she thought might be hexed. turns out the roses need some
serious love, but they aren't in fatal danger, and the charm is a piece of junk. dinner was
awesome, and consequent conversation is making me consider a move to the valley in a couple
years after obtaining some grants for community education. we're all pretty serious about
the posibility, and the need, and our willingness. i'm kinda excited, but i need to prep
pretty hard core for that.
stopped in san antonio for lunch and saw my great uncle david. always a pleasant time with
him. the rest of the drive was pretty typical. lots of traffic and no reason for it.
as soon as i got back, shween called and was in town. lots of coffee and cigs. repeat.
mark came out on friday night and hung with me and shween, and then joined us at court's for
a little celebration over her new job at alcon. woot woot for her. very nice night all
together, although unusual, very very good one. poor mark is gonna turn into a zombie if i
keep dragging him to coffee dives and to meet alcoholic friends of mine all damned night.
saturday shween took me to a party in denton. it was very silly and surreal. wish i'd
taken my camera inside.
last night i talked to g. he also got a job,in austin though, and is looking to buy
clothes, so i'm gonna go with him tomorow morning. silly boy can't shop alone. i guess i
understand, but i've been forced into it enough to at least know where to start.
went to dinner with cor and the kids and nick. the school of their's is coming along
nicely, but poor nick got put on a liquid diet and looks totally dejected. cori's pissed at
the doctor, and i think she's right. its totally absurd to think he needs to loose 50 lbs
in 2 months when he's not significantly over weight. he's 6'4, and hardly chubby. doctors
suck.
oh yeah, and kell had a healthy baby girl. woohooooo! sometime i'll drop by to see them
soon. its just about been 2 weeks. she's got a full head of black hair and her name is
kaiya.
2/15/04,9:55pm
typical texas. it snowed 5 inches yesterday, and today it was sunny warm and gorgeous.
i hadn't picked up my camera from courtney's so no pics to prove that this place is surreal.
me and the moms still went to denton to see the vagina monologues, and it was awesome, as
usual.
i was back at courtney's last night, and that was just funny. by the time i got there
everyone was so drunk they were totally incoherant. nothing quite like conversations that
make no sense at all. also funny, courtney told me i woke her up in the night to talk to
her, but i have no recollection of this. it seems she and i often have conversations while
sleeping when we spend the night together, and she often wakes up in the middle of them. i
had no idea. weird, eh?
today i manged to get sick at 8am out of no where, but its no bad, just annoying. went to
lunch with courntey and lisa and finally met biz and hillary. they're all really funny.
sometimes i'll remember to take pics. i know i say that a lot, but i'm gonna actually start
trying to be a camera person. so far i suck at it, but i'm workin on it.
in other news, leo's very pissy about meeting people online. had an internet date on
valentine's day, bought flowers, and she was apperantly terribly unattractive. leo doesn't
do well with fat or ugly girls, so he was seriously doin some fist shaking.
also, my dad sent me a valentine's e-card that i couldn't even bring myself to open. he
says he's coming to texas though, in the email attachment, and wants me to go visit the
beach in cali and stay with him. lol, i wasn't aware hell had frozen over. i mean even
texas thawed in 12 hrs.
i realize i shouldn't joke about shit like that, but i'm trying to keep a light attitude
instead of being hella pissed. gotta change the status quo a little. i've managed to
return to speaking terms with sloan since he was nice enough to get me and my mom vagina
monologue tickets after chad couldn't due to baby time. i've even managed to stop rejoicing
in kinsey being fat and not having many friends left from childhood. i've even gone so far
as to condiser speaking to her again, except that i think my family can't take any more of
her. so i guess of all people i should probably be willing to talk to my father again, no
matter how big an ass he is.
the whole internet thing continues to get more and more interesting, but its early yet to be
making any definitive conclusions about online dating. still feelin iffy, but less so.
what else... oh yeah, happy valentines day a little late. MUA!
2/11/04,7:12pm
kelly and chad's baby is due today!
everybody pray that goes well all around.
gotta thank luc for putting up with my craziness. i ran out of my meds the other day, and
totally was a blithering mess. pain, fatigue, and funky hormones make drea very irrational.
next day i got the refills, and all is well, except for this fricken cold that just is
annoying. it seems like its going away and then comes back with a vengence.
so i met a very sweet young man the other day, and while i feel a little weird about it,
what the hell, right? the whole online world makes me slightly uneasy when it precludes
normal relationships. i'm used to it goin the other way around.
helped courntey clean her room and sort her clothes. lemme tell you, that was CRAZY! i
don't think i've ever seen anyone with that much clothing. gotta love her. she's one of a
kind. i'll post pics as soon as i remember to get my camera back from her.
ugh....time to hack shit out of the lungs. GROSS!
2/6/04,3:42pm
things move along as normal....
been a bit busy. working out, working on books. learning about accounting. went to
dustin's talent show. he can really sing. talked to peo (all the time). talk to court.
helpin with computer problems here and there, which reminds me i gotta burn some software.
gonna set up some links to the new texas passion shopping cart
other than that, nothin new so far. talking to some new people online, and its kinda nice
to meet people in the area. we'll see how that goes.
peace out.
1/31/04,11:52pm
so what can i say, this week has been weird. last friday, not yesterday, was dustin's
birthday (the step-bro), and i cooked and cleaned and ordered a cake, picked it up, and with
little thanks that came late. typical, but still not fun. somehow this family arrangement
is just weirding me out
when i'm weirded out what happens? courtney and i get together and are naughty children,
but have a blast. several days later, i return to sobriety, realize i have issues with old
friends i should let go of, which luc helped me out with, as with all my crisis.
then i met with g and chad and kell, and that was very fun. kell is about ready to pop, and
the baby's room is cute as can be. its always good seeing all them. every body cross your
finger for kelly. lets pray it all goes as painlessly as humanly possible.
work called me too. it seems that they paid too much training me to let me go, no matter
how sickly or negligent i am. so i tell them february to march. nothing quite like having
no concept of what the future brings.
then i did a small business seminar thing with my mom and cori today, and it seems i've
become a book keeper for a few businesses. plus i'm on my way to a class to learn some
accounting laws.... oh the joy of not being a lazy shit.
oooo olives.... yummmmm ........
1/19/04,3:01pm
a bit of concern has arisen from a friend through IM about the tone of my recent writings.
i'm going to try to clarify a bit.
last october my illness hit a pretty severe low, and i found myself totally worn down. on
the up side, i withdrew from school, took sick leave from work, and after a couple months
found a doctor who was actually helpful for once. this is a big step up from my usual half
crazed, drugged up, alcoholic, let us say morally questionable behavior. so basically i've
learned to take time off when i need to and face up to the fact that i've got health
problems that prevent me from being a workaholic.
the drugs i'm on now aren't the pain killers and muscle relaxers of the years past, they're
hormones and hormone therapies that are working. in theory, by the summer i should be able
to get off most of them and be pretty normal again.
i sound a bit cynical because its been a major transition to eating carefully, taking tons
of hormones that change so much about me, and sleeping when i should. it just so happens
that i need entirely too much sleep in my opinion.
as for the note last time about the pain. i don't think people realize that i was unable to
function from extreme pain the month of october, and that wasn't the only month i was in a
ton of pain. its just that now, i avoid the pain killers, suck it up, and wait for it to
pass. its much healthier, and really not so bad. i just have to get it off my chest
sometimes that it really bites, even though its becoming rare.
no need to worry. things are getting better. thanks for the care.
1/15/04,8:00pm
several months into medications and things are a bit better. yesterday was the first one in
a while where i lost about 20 hrs to pain. not so bad.
i've been hanging out with courtney, working out, and getting ready to get busy again. she
and i are going into business together, and soon things will be afoot.
my little shitty car is just about complete, as far as the motor goes. it should pass
inspection within the week. once my schedule is set i'm gonna go visit the grams in corpus
and stop by austin, san anton, and pharr for a bit. hopefully, i can rig up some sound
system by then so i don't go nuts driving in silence for hours at a time.
if i manage to stay semi-alert for the whole spring time, i'm gonna take a class or two in
the summer. otherwise i'm waiting till the fall rolls around. i'm tired of wasting money
on withdrawing because i'm so fucking sick all the time. should be good.
in other news, i like talking to my peo and luc. very good times... keeps me sane.
kelly is just about due, its so crazy... soon there will be baby pictures, when i get around
to it....
oh yeah, merry christmas and happy new year.
1/6/04,3:30am
been a while since i wrote and for good reason. i was running around with people i like,
sleeping too much and slowing becoming less and less pissy. now i'm only mostly sick, weak,
and tired, but i'm mostly functional, and drugged up enough to be happy. what i'm doing
with my life is yet to be seen. right now its all about healing. maybe next month can be
for sorting my shit out...
11/18/03,8:33pm
a month later.....
i'm on a whole bunch of new drugs. i'm realizing i hate life, and my colon doesn't work at
all. i've developed a horrific attitude about men in the last 3 days. i haven't been to
work in so long i figure i might as well quit. thankfully, leo's coming to visit soon.
bitch bitch, moan moan....
10/16/03,1:29am
the acupuncturist always manages to do what no one else can. he gave me a reasonable cause
for my fatigue, headaches and pain and started on fixing it. apperantly my liver isn't
working so hot, and so i'm toxic, so i'm detoxing, and oh man is it sucking. talk about
pain.... ick!
somehow though i convinced myself last night to be in a good mood today and it worked out,
so i'm laughing about the absurdness of it all. it really is just silly. so i've been
talkin on the phone to distract myself and that works out, but now its the middle of the
night and everyone is asleep so i'm bored and can't lie down comfortably so sleep is out of
the question, so i'm just gonna type till i'm totally out of it.
the really shitty part about pain is that i can't concentrate to do anything useful, like
homework, or web design, or even reading, so i'm stuck to just babling endlessly since i
find talking so comforting. that and eating, but eating jsut isn't working out these
days....mmm fat kid mentality :o)
hehehe, there is just something funny about all this, i just can't pin it down to a punch
line yet.....
10/14/03,12:46am
i'm so tired all the damned time.
i'm going on week 2 of extreme fatigue and weakness caused by no one knows what. it seems i
have 2 diseases, the other which had never been given a name to me before a couple days ago,
polycystic something or the other. this whole time i was thinking the IBS was causing all
of my problems, but it seems quite a few of them are the other thing, so its no wonder my
gastro didn't know what to do with me....
now my parents think i need an internist and a endochrinologist on top of the ob-gyn and
gastro and acupuncture and family doctor. i have so many damned doctors appointments this
month, somehow its turned into me scheduling the rest of my life around them, instead of
vice versa.
i haven't been to work in so long its just silly and i'm starting to feel pretty down about
it all. between no work and little school, too much sleep, no energy and just enough pain
to make me totally irritable all the damned time, i don't know what to do but laugh about it
and try to do as much as i can before i turn all pale and light headed.
and now i've opened a can of worms. my sister is now getting into the passion parties
business and i just showed my brother javi photoshop elements to introduce him to art
software. my mom's website looks
like ass and the company is being all stupid about their policies. i say, fuck that, i'll
go around it, if i ever find the time. too much to do for little me....
10/7/03,3:00pm
been pretty busy the last month. school, work, passion parties, a few saturday's with
friends, sick, more sick, more sick, radio head, memphis, and now i'm too damned tired to do
anything and i'm really really out of it, and have developed a habit of just falling over.
the doctor i went to today had no clue about ibs, so i'm glad she ran some labs. i guess
that's why i went in the first place. she suggested i have mid morning and afternoon snacks
of meat or cheese....and was very enthusiastic about pain killers.
so now i'm back down the road heading to a gastro, having cameras and cultures and generally
being poked and proded
my mom went to pick up my grandma, so i think it's gonna be a month of gambling. they're
almost back.
kelly is showing and the baby moves around, so that's all cute and exciting. if anyone
knows any good baby names, let me know and i'll pass them on. right now chad is stuck on
siddartha, but that still leaves a girl name.
work if less painful bc i don't code anymore, i've moved to hardware. now i use solid works
all day, and somehow that's better. other than that things are same old same old.
as for politics... i find that email activism gives me a nice false sense of security, like
things are changing for the better. untill the next election, i have my doubts. if a
republican wins the gubenitorial race in cali, i'm going to crawl under a rock for a while.
9/8/03,6:07pm
at work.
wasting time. its the monday from hell where i go from school to work to school to work to
school from 9am-10pm.... after that though the week is pretty easy and i'm exhausted :o)
so far, so good though. i think its all gonna be ok. design seems like cake, and technical
speech is annoying, cause it doesn't have much to do with speech. controls is kinda hard,
but i'm hoping i'll start remembering all the integrals and laplace transforms and inverse
laplace transforms from memeory so i dont have to do them by hand and/or look them up in
obscure tables. that's just annoying.
work is kinda a blur of unix and me crashing servers cause i'm retarded and don't know it...
they tell me i'm on the hardest system they've yet created and i should have the hang of it
by next weekend. i think that may be overly optimistic since it took me 2 hrs to copy a
directory and i crashed 2 machines doing it...
mom's business is taking off, but there is always room for more business. right now i'm
working on the books and trying to figure out the fricken policy about the web page...
my car needs a thousand little things done to it and i don't have the fricken time! these
include, replace line for power steering fluid cause it leaks, check vacume lines for leaks,
tune up, replace all interior lights, buy/install new catalytic converter, buy/install sound
system.
as for politics, bush is a scary idiot. the democratic primary debates were very
interesting with the whole spanish flare which reminds me that univision bought nbc... oh
yeah, and i think i like this Wesley Clark character better than any of the other dems but
he's got some serious ground to make up for if he decides to enter. what do you guys think?
and most importantly benjamin moylen is a gigantic asshole, and geico is a shitty insurance
company! hopefully though they'll take care of that bullshit, even though its a bit late.
now i commute back to school..... for the last fucking time today
8/28/03,5:37pm
and now i'd like to indulge in some mass murder.....
somewhere between not eating, working too much and not sleeping, i got a little irritable
and then decided that i should try to get sal to do a simple electronic task. lets just say
i don't think i could have taken that if i'd been feeling patient, much less now.
yeah, so back in class, tired, and working, and totally sick of it after a shorted week on
both ends. thankfully i've been having good im conversations with peeps while working at
home, and interspersing driving the deathmobile and going to class with work, so i'm too
busy to notice how much i hate it all, except at rare moments like this where i say, fuck
it all, i'm going to be lazy and do one thing that isn't work for this moment.
i think i read too much of the news today and decided this country is turning into a scary
facist impirialist state very quickly. something about the whole, we're cutting food aid to
spend more on aids, and bc they use food aid for abortions, followed by, we're cutting aids
aid bc they use aids aid for abortions, concurent with, we're exapnding military operations
that are failing on all fronts, just stinks of greedy imperialsm and then scary facist when
concurrently expanding the patriot act. why isn't the media red flagging this all as scary
tactics from history that didn't work the first time?
8/6/03,11:44am
been a while since i've felt like writing. work and my inability to keep my diet in line
have got me in a less than stellar mood to write, or really do anything but sleep and watch
tv, whith a sligh amount of reading.
this week though is looking up. took some cute pictures on saturday that i'll post some
time. also on satudrday, i bought a car that needs a little work that it will get tomorow,
i hope. i'll post pics of it once its fully road legal. sunday i met up with heather after
lounging around. its nice to have her around to talk to, makes me realize i need to be
slightly less pesimistic. monday it was work work work and early to bed. yesterday more
work, then a neil young concert with the boesch family. it was surprizingly terrible until
the very end. today i'm working late, mailing kev's birthday present far too late for him
to get it on time, and then meeting heather and garemko for drinks in grapevine. tomorow
early work to get out in time to get the car taken care of, then early to bed. friday is
lollapalooza...
the last couple weeks also have made me really start to feel optimistic about the
presidential race. not that its looking garunteed, but its far less hopeless for us
liberals who think bush is frighteningly idiotic. he has managed to ruin his public approval
rating enough on his own to give the democrats a chance. i'm leaning toward howard dean now.
i need to read more about them all and try to be hopeful about america waking up to the
blatant right wing conspiracy to undo all progressive political policy from the last 100
yrs. i also feel far less like a nut case saying that now bc hillary clinton gave a nice
speech to that effect to the american constitution society last week and i happened to catch
it on c-span and tape it. and i say i feel less like a nut case not bc hillary said it, but
because it was a nice drawn out argument with lots of substantiation i've seen and with
siting of congressional record that i plan on looking up. i'm seriously hoping for hillary
'08.
7/24/03,2:40pm
pizza is an evil evil thing.
*insert normal bitching about illness and diet here*
i should know better by now, but i'm too damned lazy to stay healthy.
7/22/03,3:44pm
now i whine
whole body pain, caffine withdraw, program that doesn't play nice and chair that makes it
all worse, oh boy! makes me want to chain smoke to go to bed, but alas i have shit to do,
mainly go home and struggle with another server that doesn't play nice.
on the up side, the world at large is starting to make slightly more sense as the media
seems to slowly attune itself to public opinion instead of the little oligarchy of oilmen
and christian fundamentalists with their mentally challenged king. it seemed as if
americans were really stupid and blind last week, but apperantly that was just the media
predicting the future again, and being wrong again. slowly but surely the media and
congress are asking the question all us "crazy" liberals have been asking all along: where's
the evidence? nothing quite like being caught in a lie. what i don't get is how
republicans always manage to play stupid and it works, where as clinton just about got
lynched for a blow job. for instance, reagan-contra, reagan-south america and the school of
the americas(and its renaming scheme), king bushy I - cause of iraqi invasion of kuwait,
which brings us to king bushy II - cause of american invasion of iraq. why do we as a
country accept answers from our presidents like "i didn't know", "someone else told me
wrong", and bascially "yeah so what you gonna do about it now?"? how have we become so
shameless as to endorse a government that is slowly but surely destroying all international
ties, disrespecting all international law and convention, and strong arming most of the
world with an engorged military? i really really really hope that we haven't and the idiot
will be out of power soon. i'm praying for a prince charming in the form of a charasmatic
moderate not-bush to magically appear as a candidate in 2004. pray with me now. please god
let americans not be so ignorant and misguided. the world doesn't deserve the rath of the
greedy and religous fundamentalists. lol, but then again, isn't that always the plight of
the world? now i kinda understand why so many people i know hate religion. it sure does
act as an excuse for more of the world's atrocities than anything else. mm mmmm theft and
murder justfied by god......
7/21/03,12:47am
just watched frida with my mom and sal. i never knew her father was a german jew. lol,
suddenly i feel like all my oddball tendencies are some regular result of socialist mexican
jewishness....
somehow i still have to pretend to be normal all day at work and keep my mouth shut around
the fam. i drew the line with josh, but for the most part, its funny how people really
think i'm sweet and quiet and boring. maybe i pretend enough to believe it myself
sometimes. its kinda coming to a head lately, but i'm managing to stave off absurdity with
a little help from hair dressers with additudes, and little homophobic comments from sal.
7/14/03,12:59pm
happy birthday shween!
went and hung out with kell and gave her the birthday present i got her, finally. it amazes
me that we're all so damned old.
mmmmmmm protein bar.... yeah, not the brightest idea, my body is rather unhappy with it, but
they're such a good quick meal.
coding coding coding..... i have this buffer that i thought i would have problems
initializing, but it turns out the damend thing is more of a bitch to clear out. its
somehow storing data.... c is a bitch
i also need to get a stupid java scripting book cause i can't remember any built in
functions correctly worth a damn. i just can't pay that much attention. its another one of
those things i have the attention span of a gold fish for. and i should really really get
started implementing the php shit i did, cause right now it only works in theory in my
head....
my evil grandma is turning 80 next week and the fam is having a big party for her in ny, so
i might be up there, but i dunno....
and now i'm on week 3, no men. longest stint in many years, unless you count those times
when in long distance relationships in which case it was several months. so far so good.
far less stress and far more relaxation time.
7/8/03,9:18am
oh man i feel like ass and i just want to curl up in bed. its not so much that i'm in pain
or feel sick. i'm just so sleepy and neaseated. its kinda weird. between the hair being
lame, and feeling extremely guilty about being sick and going to jersey, i think i've made
myself a little stressed over nothing. tonight i'm going home and going to sleep. woot! to
bed at 7. now i just have to last till then....maybe some caffine....
7/6/03,11:58pm
so got the hair cut. no hair dressers would shave it. i feel lame.
before
after
7/2/03,10:27pm
man i love jill scott....
last night i had a funky dream. it was all scifi cheesey movie like, from something i saw
years ago. i dreamt that i was a robot. my memories and personality had been downloaded
when i died, and i was a kind of robot maid, like the one in the jetsons.
now i actually work at work, so i come home tired and work a little on the web sites, but
mainly i sit and veg and eat bad. today i was better than yesterday, but only slightly.
somehow better is half the amount, but the same yumminess. cheese will be the death of
me....
so to finally get it over with, out of my system, and to purge the last few years, i'm going
to shave my head on sturday and donate the hair to a children's charity. maybe even friday.
everyone is telling me not to, which just makes me think i'm going to look stupid and love
the way it feels. sounds like fun to me. there are really a millions reasons, symbolic,
sentimental, and otherwise for me to do it, so i'm really excited.
the freeshell version of this site looks tolerable now, but barely. maybe i'll work on it
this weekend, if things don't get too silly. i'm going to hang out with mirium on friday
for a little bbq. then who knows....
6/30/03,10:17pm
i'm migrating to maydrea.freeshell.org, but haven't reset links and connections between
pages or images, so i gots some work to do still. it looks shitty. plus i want to redo the
whole site so its more friendly to update.
my mom's site is getting there. i found the most cheap ass hosts that provide the services
my lazy ass wanted, so its takin a bit to get things in order, but i'm gussing by the end of
the week it'll be up, then i'll post a link.
got a little job going for a small music promotions company, but its still in the pre
planning phase, so that's a while till launch. but it's all enough to keep me hella busy.
plus at work they're starting to give me a lot of shit to do, and i got a little mp3 cd
radio so i'm happy.
now i jsut have to go through detox again. no more alcohol, tobacco, pain killers, caffine,
sugar, salt, oil, liquids besides water, cold things, or animal products for at least 2
weeks. then gotta stay macrobitoic for more than 2 months. gotta try to make it last. my
belly is so swollen and hurts so bad right now. i don't know why i can't learn that cheese
and me are just natural digestive enemies.....
6/27/03,1:47pm
its a beautiful day! the supreme court declared the sodomy laws unconstitutional, strom
thurmon is dead, and the sun is shining.
i thought for a while that evil things did not die. turns out i was wrong. in the last
week affirmative action was defended, gay rights seriously improved, and what is to me the
symbol of southern stupidity went away. what will south carolina do now? they've been
voting for that man for about 80 yrs. what will southern baptist do? they don't have the
law behind their persecution anymore. suddenly i feel far far more afraid of new
appointments to the supreme court...
6/26/03,11:54am
i can't do work this boring without music. my mind wanders while i do it, then i wander off
and start doing stupid shit, then realize i've not gotten anything done, and start over
again. for instance. for the last 10 minutes i've eaten 2 carrots, read stuff on
omlettesoft, checked a bunch of other journals that weren't updated from when i did this
yesterday, and then stared off into space for a while and started typing this. the guy who
sits in this cube works all the time, but i have no idea what he does, except that
apperantly the model he programmed would spin at least 500deg when it was supposed to bank
right. he doesn't talk. can you tell how bored i am? maybe its the root beer.... i had an
apple fritter too. sugar is the devil.
6/25/03,3:46pm
so sleepy...
working with huge files sucks cause i have to wait like 5 mins for them to open and 10 for
them to save. then i fall asleep waiting and am all groggy and want to go home and nap.
tonight i will get some serious sleep, and tomorow will resume veganism.... or so i say now
cause i've finished all my snacks. i think my body has had enough of meat and pastries for
a long while. i'm getting head aches and my belly is huge. last night my mom told me i'm
giving the acupuncturist a run for his money. no point in paying for it if i'm jsut gonna
turn around and eat bad and not sleep. i think it might even be one of those absurdly early
bed time nights.. like 7:30 or so... sucks cause i won't get home till after 6
yay! boring time!
6/24/03,5:36pm
at work, pooped, all kinds of stuff going on in life, while here... documentation software,
data entry, documentation, oh my.
so quick rap up: josh is so far to the christian right that i can barely find words to
express how silly i find him sometimes, but we're still friends. somehow he likes the
eagles, thinks gay people are evil, has never felt that way about anyone but me, was
formerly *cough* racist-ish-ness, and is under the impression that there is something
standing between legal marijuana and us besides issues of tobaco and liquer money, and the
religious right, oh yeah, and loves bill o'riely... shween has found a man who of course
now lives in new york because that's the way it works with the really good ones. they
always move. i've been eating meat all week and its starting to hurt and i love it. had a
small bbq with too much food on sunday. mmmmm brisket and bratwurst. i've managed to have
some severe mood swings about going to visit kevin that range from me telling him i'm
thinking i won't go, to thinking what the hell is wrong with me he's the best thing that's
ever happened to me. so if by some miracle he's not totally sick of this, i think i'm going
to suck up the depression i generally have post kevin, and just enjoy his company. perhaps
applying my general callous nature to this situation is not the best solution, but somehow i
think that pussing out before i even try is pretty lame. had lunch with g and ran through a
lot of this, to which he responded that we're just so damned different. deep down i think
there's a happy medium between he and i, but i'm not so good with happy mediums. for
instance, sloan and i have been talking again. now we're on the nice terms of either,
you're the worst thing that ever happened to me, or i love you-you royal pain in the ass.
this is somehow an effective friendship, but i have to constantly remind my dumb ass that
that relationship does not work beyond friendship. i swear i have the mental capacity of a
gold fish when it comes to him... and then there is luc's live journal. yeah well, don't
particularly feel like pouring out my soul that much, but i'll leave it at this, there are a
couple of things i have respect for and i'd rather not have them than see them ruined.
and last but not least, last night shween and i got her roomie courtney a b-day present and
then went to ihop for coffee where an old man gave me his card and asked me to consider
posing for nudie photos for some porn site....
6/17/03,11:41pm
racing heart! racing heart! minor internal bleeding, woot!
doesn't hurt, and its starting to slow down, so whatever. just made me a bit dizzy for a
little while, and made me realize i should not eat apple fritters and dr. pepper for
breakfast. bad drea!
lol, life is fucking hilarious. details will be posted later :o)
6/13/03,7:45am
Friday the 13th!
tonight i sleep. need sleep. so sleepy. last night i ran errands and read some boring stuff
i need to learn, and then went to chill with shween. josh came and joined us again. its
funny cause he's really conservative politically and that's pretty contrary to me and
shween, especially together. i also talked to heather yesterday. she seems to be doin
pretty good. she's gearing up for vacation time in jersey and down here. best part of the
conversation though was hearing heather admit she's not conservative anymore :o) nothing
quite like it....
ok, now i have to get my brain in order and work. someone remind me that eating and
sleeping are essential. i keep forgetting.
6/11/03,10:12am
at work.
should be working but my brain only occasionally cooperates. hydroxycut's
keeping me alive. 2 hrs sleep. bad ass week. need to sleep tongiht. hung out with shween
and the other courtney and josh last night at denny's in g'vine. pearl jam rocked.... so
bad ass.... made for the best monday ever. yesterday was also awesome. now we just gotta
find shween a nice guy who's taller than her (as if nice weren't hard enough). i'm fairly
certain this isn't really coherant. josh is really cool, in the nerdy sort of way everyone
i consider cool is. uhh yeah, boogly boogly boo to you too.....i'm so fucking tired, and
happy :oD
6/9/03,2:14am
i should totally be asleep, but the weekend was quite a bit for me to think about, and i'm
really excited about the pearl jam concert tomorow, er, tonight. spent the weekend with
courtney and some really cool guys she knows. drank too much, smoked too much, too muched
too much....long story short, i think my place in hell is very well reserved. i had a
really damned good time.
6/6/03,12:44pm
the pain has lessened and i got my acupuncture appointment rescheduled to 2 today. i got
stuff to do at work after sitting here for an hour writing email and goofin around. it was
kinda fun, since i'm so anal and like playing with new software. i was making software
trees in MS visio.
last night i made more progress on the web page, so tomorow, or monday i think i might post
it for comments on this site, since we still can't come up with a domain name we want. sal
got the dsl working on both computers, and is pretty sure the yahoo peole can help him get
the router working. for some reason XP doesn't want to let me select the router as our
connection, but on the other computer with ME it wanted to select the router in the first
place, and not the modem, even though the router wasn't connected..... finiky shit.
time to shut everything down :o)
6/5/03,8:50am
so after my last entry i was struck down for being so fucking cynical and have spent the
subsequent time in pain, which brings me to now. i'm at work, but its raining crazy hard
out, so no one has come around to give me anything to do as they are stuck in traffic, so i
can sit here and bitch.
there's my boss... oh but he went to a meeting....
so as i was bitching before, this week has been painful. the first night i held out with a
heating pad and a lot of blankets to make me so hot i passed out. tuesday things got to
that numb pain state where i just sit and am generally slow, mentally and phsically.
eventually it go to the point where i was neauseated by the exertion of standing up, so i
had to comtemplate the pain relief options, since not eating seems to be a bad choice.
tylenol requires a very very large dosage to make a dent, and then i just throw it up and
continue to throw up for hours. advil, naprosin and asprin make my kidneys hurt enough to
compensate for the pain they take away. perscriptions and the hospital, well i don't want
to go there again. i keep the pills around just in case, but its a bad road to start down
again. so then what's left you ask (as well as redily available around the house and
legal)? my favorite depressant, alcohol. the past few nights i've been drinking with my
mom, and have found my tolerance is way down and so its very easy to stay drunk all night
with only a few drinks. if this doesn't end by next week, another alternative will have to
be reached. sadly the acupuncturist had to cancel my saturday appoinment, so some miracle
better appear to stop this shit soon, or its gonna be time to get me a bottle of
jaggermeister...fucking government jobs and their no drinking at work......
but somehow my attitude is still ok, and while i'm very short tempered, aggitated, and
generally antisocial, that's not so different from normal. i got the front page for my
mom's website in a somewhat functional state. it looks pretty good. i'll need some
suggestions eventually, but i'd like to make it presentable for a while before that. the
other site i haven't even started on, but i need some suggestions and help, so i'm hoping
kelly can help me this weekend.
6/2/03,9:50pm
so today was all fine and dandy except that i woke up too late to eat breakfast, got nice
and persecuted for being vegan during the corporate lunch, set up the dsl instead of going
grocery shopping, and just about had an anxiety attack at the grocery store when i finally
made it at 8:45. needless to say, i'm too freaked out to eat dinner now, and due to a lack
of sugar, i'm a bit overly sensitive (i was crying a little while ago because i don't want
to cook rice for an hour).
so the big lesson learned is that i can't eat good shit at all, ever, even on rare occasion
cause i have to start all over in getting used to macrobiotic crap. i also can't drink, and
should limit the smoking to something less than chain smoking a pack on the now rather
frequent instances when i do smoke.
so yeah, being vegan and macrobiotic sucks, and i'm really really really sick of people
telling me they would have killed themselves long ago in my situation. it's far too regular
a response now and it really doesn't help....
6/1/03,10:50am
its funny how i lay down for a nap at 8pm last night, and woke up this morning at 7am. i
feel like an old person, especially when the extent to which i feel i'm doing something bad
is eating rice crispy treats....
the last week has been pretty cool. started work and like it. so far its been a lot of
forms, but that's kinda to be expected when working on government work.
in other news: the busniess ventures are getting rolling. courtney asked me to live with her
and i'm considering it. sloan wrote some unpleasantness in the guestbook and then called
yesterday to apologise for it, and asked me not to doom him. i think he's done quite a job
of that himself. shween is more mature at 19 than i am at 23. leo talked to dad voluntarily
yesterday AND admit to his true location. this mean if i go visit, which mark my words i
will, i may have to associate with my father. talked to kev yesterday, so it seems i'm
going to either zurich or milan for his birthday. talked to kat yesterday too, and am now
extermely tempted to go visit her in 2 weeks. money makes me want to have fun. then i
remember i have an assload of debt....
now its time to go to church. that phrase and good morning still don't feel right....
5/25/03,8:46pm
so uhh, so much has happened.
take a moment to pray for my friend sunanda, if you do that kind of thing. she was really
an amazingly accepting, compassionate and loved person, and died at 22 the day after
graduating from college. i think of her now and can only smile and be so grateful i knew
her. more than any of my other friends, i pray for her, and yet feell so sure that she's
safe and in a better place and really was happy and content with the life she lead. she's
the kind of person who made life beautiful even in death.
now for the quick version of the last few weeks:
chillin with kell for my birthday was awesome in a really uber chill exactly what i needed
kind of way. then i interviewed with L3 the following tuesday and that took an ENTIRE day,
but went awesome. went to see my grandma on thursday bc of car troubles. leo and i drove
down and it was cool for a last moment together for a while. he moved out west to work at a
national park. chilled with grandma, went to see my new cousins, dropped by pharr to say
hey to luc and went to mexico with him to buy gin. monday grams decided we should go gamble
in the casinos instead of just with the fam at her place. picked up 3 great aunts and drove
to lousiana. gambled all night. won $400. found out tuesday while leaving lousiana that
i'd gotten a job as a developer, then that nanda had died in the span of an hour. drove
like maniac to drop the aunties off, then packed like crazy to get the first flight home
wednesday morning. met shween later that night to catch up and remember nanda. the service
was thrusday morning, the 22nd. it was really peaceful and good to see so many people come
from all over to make it. afternoon went to sign security and acceptance papers for the
job. night went to visit with boyd with mike and g and then went to rashi's and caught up
with all the friends of nanda who were in town. it was nice and cool to catch up although
we all wished she could have been there. friday went for acupuncture and then passed out
for the rest of the day. last night went to chad and kelly's to chill with the same old
crew and drink wiskey and dance with kelly. it rocked. this morning went with my mom to
join into a business venture. so now i need to find a place to web host her business site
and get that shit up and running. also gonna get broad band, although i think only cable is
available in this area. so tomorow is gonna be mad busy coding, then i start working coding
on tuesday, and now i have a part time job as well as does my mother and sister, selling sex
toys geared toward women. so no, things can't get much fucking weirder, and yet i'm really
happy.
5/8/03,4:13pm
project managment is over, finally, and it looks like i'll be getting the B i expected bc of
that first paper i lost when windows hiccuped a few months ago. jazz went ok. i'm guessing
that'll do. not too great, but not horrible either. so now the term is done just in time
for me to turn 23 tomorow. getting old.....
i figured out how to steam brown rice finally. it takes forever. that's the whole trick.
it takes an hour.
in other news, the drama... after about 10 hours of not talking to sloan he emailed me and
totally caved and promised not to be mean and asked me to spend my birthday with him. i'm
trying my hardest not to repspond. thankfully i already made other plans with kelly.
love's a bitch....
5/7/03,2:32pm
power final went surprizingly well. i was just on point for an hour and managed to finish
it faster than the exams i studied for. i don't know that that means anything, but it feels
good.
things with sloan are finally cut off. it wasn't intentional, but i made him finally decide
it. it doesn't work when i decide it, like last time, cuase i feel bad and miss him cause i
love him and break down. i think this time i've sufficiently pissed him off to make him
never want to speak to me again. funny thing is i was telling him the same things i always
do. i'm not really sure what changed him mind. i'll never understand how i fell in love
with someone who drives me insane. it just makes me sad now because he seems to think i was
lying to him all that time about loving him and wanting to marry him. i kept waiting for
him to grow up and stop partying and be the serious person he could be, but in the end, he
is who he is, and that's wild whenever there's a chance to be wild. maybe i'm wrong and in
10 yrs he'll be a settled successful lawyer without a drinking or drug problem. man will
that suck, but i'm not willing to wait any more, so i guess that's what makes me a stupid
bitch....
yeah, so now i really have to get a job cuase otherwise i got nothin to do. i can't hang
out with chad and kell without totally stepping on sloan's toes and i can't exactly go out
without a car or any money and this whole marcrobiotic life style, and meet new people. i
have an interview on tuesday. being this boring is so pleasant its hard for me to handle.
5/6/03,4:43pm
i wrote a bunch of shit in the last week but geocities has been a bitch, so i'm gonna try
one more time to update, before i change hosts, yet again. this time hopefully for the last
time. i'm moving to freeshell.org and so far its gonna be maydrea.net, although i'm trying
to think of something else, mainly because i realized there is a possibility for real
content on my site that might even be useful. i'm gonna start compiling all the interesting
shit i've learned being horribly ill, to kinda help people out, since i've mostly had to go
blindly through this shit. please give me some kind of feedback if you read this. i really
could stand to be more clever than the same handle i've been using for i can't even remember
how long. i'll get around to fixing everything up this summer i'm guessing, since i only
sleep 8 hours a day now and have absolutely no life.
*****
it did update, so now i can laugh a little with all of you about iraq's top biological
weapon's specialist. is it just me, or is it funny that she's not only a woman, but an
attractive one educated at good old TWU? texas women's university is in denton, right by
the university of north texas, and by the oldest mosque in texas, about an hour away from
here, where a good number of friends of mine are attending school. my mother takes classes
there occasionally toward a masters in nursing. i just find it hilarious that a bastion of
southern conservitism produced a supposedly notorious war criminal in a supposedly highly
armed biological weapons program in a supposedly evil nation. don't ya just love texas....
5/2/03,10:51am
day two of the macrobiotic and i'm doin pretty good. not perfect, but the pain level is way
down and some stuff is kinda almost resembling somewhere near normal.
sloan and i exchanged some nasty emails yesterday. he hasn't written back again, so maybe
he's thinkin its better just to cut off everything, like i am. sucks......
now i have to turn in the dsp report and go to power, the more acupuncture. fun fun....
5/1/03,1:42pm
went for acupuncture yesterday and it was awesome. i felt better yesterday and this morning
than i have in years. the acupunturist put me on a diet and its even more restricted than
being veagan. no more sugar, salt, or oil. i also have to eat brown organic rice at every
meal. he also told me to wake up at 6am, walk around in the grass for 15 min, have the rest
of the day, and go to bed by 9pm. so far its making me feel much better, but every time to
talk to sloan i go down hill. even when its just email i get really fucking depressed and
tired and the little shooting pains in my colon and kidneys are maddening. as it turns out,
there is no good reason to break up with someone you love, even if they cripple you. i'm
going to end up arguing with him for ages and fall back in, if i keep talking to him. he
mocks my weakness and inability to deal with him, our personality differences, social
pressure, and my willingness to sit back and let my life wither to just school or work,
family, food, sleep, and medical care. that pretty much reaffirms everything i broke up
with him for, but at the same time, he's right, so it sucks. i dumped him at the worst
possible time, with the biggest turn in outward appearance. he's right that i'm hiding in
my mothers home from the world, trying to recover from the impossible, instead of accepting
it and him, but its about time for me to suck up my pride and admit i can't take any more.
i had a dream last night that he and i were talking and it turned into an argument. i don't
remember the topic of conversation, all i remember was the normalcy of it. he was calm and
excited, sarcastic and agressive, and i was too, but i felt uncomfortable, and nervous and
so i kept backing away. he kept following me, and being all animated and loud like he is
until i was backed into a corner, frustrated and tired. there was a knife next to me, and i
stabbed him over and over, about 20 -30 times. i woke up crying and i think that says it
all.
i've had recurring dreams for years. they always appear violent, but always feel calm. in
high school it was always people i knew pushing me over a cliff. at stevens it was me
standing on the edge with people calling me away and either just that or me jumping. when i
came home it was me slitting my throat over the kitchen sink. i'm guessing this new one's
gonna stick around. i realize the meaning is very fucking obvious in each, but its so
annoying that they don't go away.
now i just have to figure out how to completely sever a very long, intense relationship, and
not feel like the total bitch i'm being. love's a bitch.
4/27/03,11:33pm
welcome to an overabundance of rambling due to emotional distress. i'll be writing a lot
about the same shit that lead me to lock myself in a room over a course of a few weeks that
i don't remember a couple of years ago. it doesn't make much sense that i would go back to
the guy that inspired that, but like i said, i'm a masochist. its already begun, but i
thought i'd let you know so you can stop reading for a while since its getting kind of
lengthy.
after telling him off and thinking i'd washed my hands, he called back, and i'd had a couple
drinks with my mom, so i was in a good mood and relaxed and didn't blow him off. of course
i was also willing to listen to his bullshit and feel bad for making him so sad. then his
phone runs out of batteries and i feel sorry for him. then get an email from him that is
all sad, so then i had to call chad and tell him the scoop so he could go try to cheer
things up. of course chad is not partial, and while he sees where i'm coming from, urges me
to make less drastic decisions. i think this is the least drastic decision i've made lately
this is getting to be very theraputic, although i find i'm only honest when totally freaking
out, or on some drug. man i could stand a cigarette right now, the left over pizza in the
kitchen is calling my name, and i remember why it is i used to want to shave my head. the
urge is back. i'm guessing i should just go to sleep instead of destroying myself, but my
feet are dirty from gardening and i couldn't want anything less than a shower.
note to self: don't take phone calls from newly dumped boyfriend while drunk and tired from
a day of gardening after weeks of being too weak to get out of bed for more than 4 hrs at a
time. it just leaves you with more masochistic tendancies than normal.
4/27/03,6:57pm
note to self: stop going back to the same problem.
i'll admit i'm shallow about a lot of shit. i don't deal well with certain social
situations that i find embarassing, mostly where people seem out of control of themselves.
i find it humiliating jsut to watch. now for someone to go out of their way to appear out
of control, for amusements sake as well as to break stupid social conventions, but to carry
it to such a point that its impossible to tell publically that they have ANY self control,
while knowing full well it bothers the FUCK out of me, i think is obnoxious to the point its
hurtful. i'd also claim that it would be difficult, knowing that i find that situation
stressful, and that stress makes my illness rapidly deteriorate, to claim that purposfully
continuing such behavior is not a belligerant act. even worse, when that person knows that
i constantly am harassed by well meaning friends as to why i would be involved with such a
spaz, and constantly forced to explain a personality i love, that no one else ever sees, and
STILL continues acting stupid, pruposefully in front of them, i think that's really over the
line. it is stupid social convention, but i don't want to live my life looking like i'm in
love with a maniac and having to jsutify myself to everyone who cares about me. its a
hostile environment that's purposfully created, and only alienates me from my family and
friends. and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
you know you're a masochist when your in that relationship for 5 yrs, on and off, and
totally intend to marry the maniac. well i'm trying not to hurt myself quite so much now,
so that's just one more bad habit off the list of vices. someone physically stop me from
getting back together with him again, and if i EVER mention that i'm engaged to him for the
who knows how many-ith time, beat the shit out of me. i'd rather not destroy my kidneys,
bladder and colon over my love for him. he's not going to stop being reactionary any more
than i'm going to stop finding it stressful.
in more mundane drea news, i planted some red tips with my mom today and it was really nice.
gardening is so pleasant when i've taken allergy medicine and my belly isn't 4 times its
normal size. its down to about 1.5 -2 times normal size, with periods of normalcy. yippy!
4/27/03,1:10am
you know you're ignored and taken for granted when your told to call back because the other
party is busy when you're uber pissed and have already explained that your anger is leading
to the end of the relationship. yeah, so that was last night for me. in return i've dumped
him over email. i figure that's cold enough to get across exactly how fed up i am. i kinda
feel bad, bc i didn't realize i was supressing so much anger and was really trying to be
patient, and have now rather suddenly exploded. the only thing that saves me from really
feeling bad, is that i was cut off every time i tried to bring pretty much anything
unpleasant up. considering how unpleasant the last couple weeks have been for me, that's a
lot of cutting off and ignoring, not to mention the last 4 years.
in more pleasant news, i had an almost normal day. my health picked up around noon, we
cleaned the garage and i went out with the baker, mel, who's real name i can't pronounce.
the garage can now fit one car in it, and has no cieling sheetrock and new floor boards
above, and the date was nice and platonic. i've never really done the whole dating as a way
of getting to know someone. i don't really socialize too much when i study anymore, so it
was all first date like, but way more chill cause i've been so insistent on us jsut being
friends. i think this means that in some bizar, half ass fashion, i'm now single. its about
fucking time.....
4/25/03,10:24pm
holy shit....
uhh yeah, so uhh wow, i saw the train wreck coming, stood in front of it, and then realized
it was gonna ruin me, then just kinda stood there till someone was like, you know there are
other possibilities than just standing there right? so now i have to move, but my legs are
kinda asleep. in the end heather is always right. love is necessary but not sufficient.
all my apprehension was not just reasonable normal aprehension, its not right, so now i got
to say it. FUCK. someone remind me to stop making the same mistakes. oh wait, everyone i
know tried to. thankfully it sunk in this time in months, not years. perhaps i shouldn't
post this while i'm in the middle of the change, and wait till it is all finished. am i
being ambiguous enough? i think people who know me will know what the hell i'm saying.
funny thing is, i was totally gonna write this way clearer last night, and didn't have the
balls to do it, and instead tried to repair the same endless problem. see leo said
something to me a while back that totally fed on my insecurities, that i can't just fuck
around and be indecisive forever, cause no one is that patient, so i have to make a fucking
decision and stick with it, cuase otherwise i'm gonna end up alone. considering that i
don't particularly understand why anyone would want to marry me in the first place, i
figured i should choose, even if based on hope and not reality, on availability and
consistant speech instead of reasonability and consistant action. how the fuck can i have
remained so confused for so long about the same fucking situation? lol, i guess that's what
happens when you refuse to act, and instead just react. i feel like i jsut got slapped back
into reality.....
4/25/03,6:37pm
genetic mutation test negative. :o)
one less piece of crap to worry about. found an acupuncturist too, gonna try it out
tomorow, probly. sadly, though, tonight i'm stuck at home with the apathetic on a beautiful
night with a huge art festival going on in fort worth, and a jazz festival going on in
denton. its a good thing i'm poor, my stomach is killing me, and i already had to endure a
sale at the mall with my mom, or i'd feel like i was wasting the night sitting on my ass
reading and napping.
the job interview for flight simulation programming keeps getting pushed back bc they're
being audited. i guess i'm gonna register for classes and just let it go, bc i can't wait
much longer to do that, and i'm not willing to pay fees and not take the fucking classes.
i'm started to fiddle around with changing the format of this thing a couple nights ago when
i couldn't sleep, but managed to tolerate sitting up. sometime i'll get around to posting
it, but right now, i'm about to hit my sitting up limit for the hour. i'm gonna add a book
listing, and hopefully change hosts for the last time, and add a forum for recomending books
as well. i figure the few people who check this site tend to read the same kind of shit i
do, so it'll work.
4/24/03,12:00am
if i weren't so damned proud none of this would be a problem.....
i hate admitting i need help, much less asking for help or taking help from anyone, much
less anyone i'm not extremely close to and comfortable with, and now here i am about to fail
my classes again cuase i just don't want to deal with going in to talk to my professors to
tell them i can't handle the pain for another hour much less another 2 weeks, while still
going to school. ARG!
4/23/03,2:56pm
went to the doctor this morning, and he tried, but it seems there isn't much anyone can do
about anything when it comes to IBS. i got a bunch of meds to try get to rid of random
pain, antibiotics and allergy shit and this other stuff that amuses the hell out of me.
foam is an interesting thing, and i'll leave it at that to spare everyone the details.
one more project, two tests, and i'm done with this term. woo woo! then i have a free
birthday, and i get to go play cards with the old loonies, before it starts again.
4/22/03,2:38am
7 hrs to project turn in time
its finally done, so i can stop feeling guilty about being in pain and too tired to work.
i've been sleeping 13-18 hrs a day and being otherwise generally useless for the last week,
but now i have to get up early in the morning to print the damned thing out. its real
nifty, and i know no one wants to hear about it, so i won't bother posting it, but i will
babble a little. its a smart home climate control system that targets the climate control
to the user, using infrared tracking and body heat monitoring along with a lot of other
nifty shit. if anyone cares to see it, i'd be more than happy to post it for all to be
bored to tears by.
in other news, i succumbed to a club sandwhich and a coke after taking some hyociamine,
about an hour ago, so i feel nice and unusually large. i finally learned what the swelling
of my intestines is. its not swelling, that's different, its abdominal distention. i love
how all the words that describe my problems are vaugue as hell. distention means my belly
gets big, but doesn't imply swelling, cramping, bloating, or gas, so what the hell it does
imply, i'm not sure. i also learned that there is a name for my bladder and kidney pain but
i can't spell it. the nickname however is another IBS, irritable bladder syndrome. yeah,
great, more unexplainable nonsense.
3 days to genetics results
a sri lanken baker asked me out today. i can't remember his name, but he's really nice, and
pretty interesting, although i suppose the fact that he's a sri lanken baker, former chef,
studying electrical engineering, would kinda make that obvious. i made it very clear it
would be friendly, and not leading to any romantic nonsense. hopefully it can be as cool as
going out with eric all that time. i'm not really sure what distinguishes dates from non-
dates, but i have a feeling that if eric and i non-dated for years, its possible to do it
again. i really miss that, and eric too. yet another person to send cookies.
sleepy time, g'night
4/20/03,8:34am
a week sure can turn everything to shit. fatigue, fatigue, more fatigue, lots of pain and
then a lot of shit to do that makes it all worse. for the first time in my life i'm really
hating easter. happy easter.
4/13/03,12:34am
playing super multimedia time. tv watching, aim chatting, site updating, web surfing,
instead of writing up the research we got done today, or studying the DSP i need to study.
procrastination is beautiful.
more good shit from
omlettesoft.
had some great conversations yesterday with gautum (which i've decided to continue spelling
wrong out of random :o) spite) and kev, so i'll encourage everyone to buy this
t-shirt. i know i'm going to when i get a damned job.
i just got fucked by juno and lost the rest of this update, which ruined the slight
semblance of a good mood i was in. good reason to go back to sleep.
4/11/03,9:21pm
i should be reseaching product ideas for class, but i am in a swollen daze that has lasted a
couple days now. i took a "nap", so i'm not so tired and confused anymore, as just wanting
more to lash out than be productive. sadly, the extent to wich i can lash out is eating
cookies and blacking out, and i've already done that twice today. its ironic that all the
drugs i've ever done aren't nearly as painful or hard to recover from as butter. realizing
how fragile i am really bites. anyway, i'm gonna stop whining and get to work now.
4/10/03,2:59pm
trying to evade assholes never works. i sat on the other side of the room than i normally
sit today to avoid annoying pseudo intellectual boy, and he fucking sat next to me. there
are 100 people in the class, so the room is rather large, and he always sat in the same
fucking seat on the far side of the room, so i sat next to the damned door......
anyway, i got a book i ordered today, that i've been meaning to check out for a while cause
its been all over liberal tv: pigs at the trough, by ariana huffington. so far, so good.
what i expected, although really pushing the point. i guess its not new to me so i'm not
outraged, so much as disgusted at length. i'm only in the second part, so i'll figure out
if i like it later.
i read it for an hour outside in the sun, and forgot to turn around, so now i'm way darker
on one side than the other.....
oh yeah, the interview got postponed to monday and mom bought leo a car today, and they put
in the last bid for the house in denton, and i'll leave it at that, for lack of words.
4/8/03,2:20pm
rant:
sometimes i just can't stand people. it sucks though bc i see no need to make
enemies of random people i come across, but some people just need to be bitch slapped.
there's this dude who always sits somewhere near me in history of jazz and talks smack
throughout lecture, before and afterward. he's one of those pseudo intellectuals who likes
to brag about how smart he is, apologise for how well he does on tests, and make random
commentary agreeing with the prof. the kind of person who make the stigma of the
intelligent asshole so prevalent, yet has very little to back up his arrogance or
condecension. i realize that moody intellectualism isn't some level of attainment that has
to be reached, but at the same time, i really hate people who are full of shit and proffer
it to people who don't know any better all the fucking time. i managed to keep my
belligerant mouth shut today, but i think i'm going to have to start sitting somewhere else
in that class from now on before i find myself in a bad mood.
4/8/03,11:53am
i'm glad to have friends who make me feel slightly less insane. it seems as if symantic
games and propoganda give most people a warm fuzzy feeling, but they make my skin crawl, and
give me a feeling that the whole world is going insane, which some people call
schyzophrenia. my mom claims that all my friends have mental disorders and that's why we
get along. we're the looney bin let out into academia. i would claim that there is little
distinction between said looney bin and academia, except willingness to play the game and
not call it such too loudly or frequently.
yeah, so, check out the link up top or here, that i found on omlettesoft in omlette's blog, as well
as the rest of omlettle's blog since he links nicely to all kinds of nifty shit. i think
its cookie making time to give a big thanks to the people out there who give a damn, so lets
hope i get a fucking job that doesn't involve murder too directly....
yesterday my little brain started ticking and it went over board in thinking i can function
like a normal human being. i'm a recovering workaholic who just wants one more hit. for
some reason i really think i can hold a full time job and finish these last 3 classes, while
finishing confirmation (which is a whole other issue i'm sure no one wants to hear about),
living with my insane family who renovate constantly, rebuilding a relationship that has
proven to be nothing but trouble in the past, remaining vegean, and staying off pain
killers, antibiotics, caffine and all recreational drugs including cigarettes. this morning
when i woke up after 7 hours sleep wishing for a swift death, i realized the peril of my
ways. i think i should not be allowed to plan for myself. i have this bad habit of
categorizing sleep and food as nonessentials.
ahh! where did the time go? class
4/7/03, 2:20pm
so a couple weeks later everything is once again different.
did the monthly rounds of talking to all the old friends anmd catching up. shween is sposed
to come visit, chad is moving to costa rica with kelly who until then is moving to denton,
kevin is home bc his grandma died, but he's coping well, heather is my favoritest advisor
ever cause she tells it like it is, lucas is hanging in there making money and being far too
understanding of how stupid i am, gautum turned 21 finally, eric is still is school in south
carolina and seems to be in a good spirits, shaft is as nice as ever. then there is this
whole other thing i'm easing back in to, a functional relationship with sloan. everyone has
warned me, and i'm grateful for the care, but no wiser for it because i'm stubborn as hell
and apperantly never learn.
in other news outside the gossip, i've got some leads for a possible job this summer. wish
me luck. the swe conference was interesting and i learned some shit. kinda got me in a
better mood about engineering. the genetics testing is in the works. my mysterious kidney
swelling continues, and i once again realized that not eating leads to physical collapse in
the middle of campus.
as for the war.... asjkgdheiosgh.... few casualties, good, the whole american invasion and
rebuilding, scary as fuck. i don't know why anyone would see a sole american rebuilding of
iraq as anything but crooked imperialism at its worst. its not that the UN has much better
intentions, so much as somehow i think more hands in the pot will leave it slightly less
empty because everyone will be trying not to look like the biggest thief. maybe that's just
wishful thinking. i've kinda come to realize that not only are americans apathetic and
purposfully blinding themselves to plain fact, but the whole world is. americans choose to
think america is good. everyone else is trying so hard to believe that the UN is functional
and can control US activity to the point their willing to go along with US action and rename
it UN action, not only in war, but in reconstruction. lets just hope we don't end up in a
depression because of this.
3/24/03, 12:09pm
spring break is over and there is so much to do....
my nation state is gone because i forgot to put it on vacation mode,and i don't know how to
get it back. :o(
had a good time rearranging pictures and playing poker at my grandma's for spring break.
got to see lucas and a lot of family. all in all a nice time.
leo's moving to denton next week and maybe buying a house. if i ever graduate, and manage
to get a job at one of the many evil war machines in denton, i can live there with him.
t'would be fun.
other than that, not much has changed. leo became possesed and wrote to our dad last week.
turns out he's still an asshole.... people never change, especially not for the better.
cynicism's so much fun!
3/11/03, 2:38pm
somehow i think i haven't learned anything from the past few years. its like a vague dream.
i got pissed off this morning about my grade in project managment, which made me stressed
out, which made my stomach swell up and ache, which made me even more pissed off, which lead
to me crying in the bathroom. just as i was about to call leo to take me home, i ran across
a telecom expo with free pizza. realizing that pizza would be the death of me, i took some
hyociamine, and sat down with the same attitude that always leads to bad things- i'm already
in pain, its not going to go away, i might as well eat something that tastes good instead of
that vegan bullshit. of course after being vegan for months hyociamine just doesn't cut it
for pizza, so i had to take some belladonna. 5 mins later the world is a far more pleasant
place, and i realize the same damned things i do everytime i take pain killers. its the
same vicious cycle. next i'll wake up tomorow with a hang over from undigestable cheese and
the damned light sensitivity that comes with hyociamine. after that i won't want to eat for
a while. 10lbs later i'll be all weak and tired and remember, oh yeah, i have to eat food
sometimes.
3/10/03, 10:38pm
i hate when people carelessly fuck with me
the dsp ta sent out a notice saying all this work was due tomorow, which of course i hasn't
started, so i was freaking out. i rushed to school at 7pm, to find another email saying
he'd make a mistake and it's due thursday... that's the kind of thing that makes me
violently angry.
i got most of it done, and now get to return to the house that satan built. my sisters kids
have spring break and love spending time with the grandma, so looks like i'm spending more
time with them. don't get me wrong, their cute as ever and pretty well behaved, but i'm
just not in the mood for cute right now.
in other news, i finaly got around to linking g's page on the links page.
in the actual news, why the hell is the whole N.Korea showing off their missles with test
runs being scantly mentioned in the news? perhaps because their intent is working and we're
pretending its not a big deal to avoid war. they seem to be stepping up to war with a gusto
that sadam just can't, and we seem to be backing down. its no fun picking on someone who
can fight back.....
3/6/03, 2:48pm
the jazz test sucked big time. for some reason i couldn't remember shit that i genreally
know. i hate it when that happens. damned brain fart.
yesterday was interesting. i've been in pain, neauseated, and generally tired lately, so
yesterday was really over doing it. i went to a meeting for a students for peace group, for
the first time. found out there was going to be a rally. helped set up. sat through as much
of it as i could, then drove home.
as is my luck with all things associated with stevens, the 3rd fax of my deferement
application, was once again misplaced. i got home, ready to pass out at 3pm, to find out i
needed to go back to school becasue my loan will soon go into default after i don't know how
many months of me trying to tell those bafoon's i've transfered. needless to say i was not
happy, and called then back to tell them so, at which point they told me to go ahead and
wait till tomrow (that is today) and that even if it went into default, the deferment would
be retroactive and then i'd be out of default and it would be corrected.
this seems like one of things that will only continue to get worse, so i went to sleep. leo
made dinner with some wine, and my mother insisted that grahm crackers are not sufficient
sustinance for an entire day, so i went to eat. no one drank the 3/4 bottle of wine that
was left over, so i took it upon myself to drink it all. nothing like watching the
godfather, drunk, on a wednesday afternoon, and going to bed at 7. sucks though, cause i
wasn't coherant enought to talk to lucas at 9.
so far, today is less anoying, but busier. i just realized though that i forgot to turn in
that matlab i spent a crazy amount of time on....
3/4/03, 2:56pm
bible study was surprizingly not painful. i don't know how to place that in my scheme of
how religion generally is. i guess it just isn't normal, and that's a good thing. one
thing was odd though. everyone but 4 were black (2 white, 2 hispanic including me), which
is odd in a school where the largest organization is the assoc of mexican american students,
who are most likely at least 70% catholic. how the hell is it that catholics don't go to
bible studies, but i always get invited to them bc people assume i'm catholic cause i'm
brown?
3/4/03, 11:53am
just in case you somehow missed the text at the very top of the page:
For all of you who are anti-war here's a
moveon.org petition
to electronically sign by THURSDAY MARCH 6 against the UN resolution for war
against Iraq.
in other news, finally gave the stupid management presentation, and it went very well.
we'll see how the grades turn out. now i just have to take a dsp midterm, read up for the
jazz test on thrudsday, and sit on my ass a whole lot.
i got invited to a bible study, and i think i might go, just out of curiousity, but those
things and me just never get along....should make for some interesting commentary later.
it's at 12:30, so i guess i'll get going off to it. wish me less akwardness that normal,
and an ability to phrase things so i don't offend too many people.
3/3/03, 1:28pm
snow pushed back midterms to today and tomorow. the power midterm was fucking absurdly
long. no one finished, so i'm guessing i'll do ok. tomorow is the dsp midterm.
i'm starting to notice a few bizar things going on in the american media which scare me
quite a bit:
1)there is no coverage of war protests except for a very sparse mention of their existance
here and there. there is no coverage of just about anything except the damned war to come
and how it's just so peachy keen. war monger much?
2)there is coverage, but little discussion of the confirmation hearing of miguel estrada, or
the future of the courts at all. there is no discussion of the history or previous
commentary on the tactic of nominees not letting their opinions be known during the
confirmation process, to avoid being dismissed for being radical. all in all it looks fishy
and bodes of bad thing. who needs civil rights?
estrada claimed that
-he had could not claim to disagree with ANY supreme court decision
-he had made a "bad joke," but had not rejected people from even being allowed to interview
for supreme court clerkships because he felt they were to liberal, to prevent another
decision like the one that struck down a colorodo law that was ruled as discriminatory
against gays and lesbians (romer v evans), although a few people claim he told them exactly
that.
-would "think about" turning over memos, from his time as assistant solicitor general at the
DOJ, to the senate to give them more insite to his judicial style, but as of yet has not
3)christian television networks, and american policy in israel seem to be aligned to
the point of conspiring to form the zion. it sounds too crazy to be true, but this long ass
show i flipped to on saturday afternoon really freaked me out. they were, for at least 3
hours, asking for money to return jews, in poverty from russia and europe, to israel. they
were quoting the bible saying that those who love the jews will be blessed, and that the
return of the jews to the promised land is needed for salvation. that is without a doubt, a
christian tv station, asking for money to fund the creation of the zion to bring about the
second coming.....there isn't any beating around the bush, just different use of words that
all mean the same thing.
the american government policy toward israel is complete commitment to its protection,
armament, and expansion. at no point do we ever say, "now israel, that land wasn't given to
you when your nation was formed. you blatantly invaded it in the name of God and a long
since dead past. invasion isn't allowed by the UN. stop that." we say, "here are more
weapons, why don't you send those tanks we gave you out and here's some money from our
friends the american zionist christians to build some new houses after you roll your tanks
over the palistinian ones."
doesn't anyone else find it scary and bizar that a gigantic chunk of america, including the
government is seriously devoted to fullfilling the prophecy in the king james version of the
bible that would bring the apocolypse?
i'm christian, but even if i look at this from a non-christian persepctive, end of the world
or not, that's fucking absurd.....
2/24/03, 12:22pm
tomorow i have a big ass misterm, so of course i'm sitting at school reading journals and
rantings and cleaning out my inbox. makes perfect sense....
i've noticed a few things in my reading. time seems to be passing really really slowly this
month. i need to update my links and clean up this sorry excuse for a webpage. apathy is
the status quo, and sadly i'm just like every other bastard out there in terms of what i
bother to say.
i was readin jay's webpage and thinkin, yeah i totally agree, thought that a hundred times.
none of any of this war shit or any other war shit is surprizing, nor is the coverage and
lack of converage about it. its not that i don't feel outraged anymore, so much as that it
doesn't appear that i feel outraged since pretty much all i feel is outrage, and there is
only so much anger that can be outwardly projected before it becomes absurd. i think that's
the point where i'm all angrily hyped up about world politics with high fever, bleeding
ulcers and the realization that the life i live only contributes to many problems.
after a couple years of that, with quite a few good friends in an extrememly similar
postion, i've decided that something has to give, and i've had enough of it being my health.
so now i'm trying to do the little things that help, without overdoing them. here's a good
example:
i'm encouraging everyone to join the virtual march to give our elected officils a better
idea of the opposition that is out there. here are a couple links to sign up at, and to
find out more that i'll also link at the top of the page: true mjority and
move on
both of these sites promote inspections instead of war.
the march is WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26
2/22/03, 1:14am
watched ameli just a bit ago. nice flick.
talked to omlette. always a snapshot of balance and normalcy in the least expected place.
now, it should be bed time, but its one of those moments when all the things i was letting
ride by, kind of hit me square in the face. ignoring reality works far better for me. i
think i should go back to that. as it turns out, hortie agrees....
2/19/03, 3:03pm
it's funny how 9 days can feel like 6 months.....
i've been mad busy for the going on 2 weeks. i finally got my sister's comp to work, and
managed to reconciliate myself with technology. i've been kicking ass with matlab, and
keeping up with other HW, including this large management project, which i'm fairly certain
i just finished. just have to print it out in color.
other random shit has been interspersed with constant school work, which is why i've been so
mad busy. all new windows got installed in the house, and all the indoor brick that was
meant to be docorative in the 70's finally got chiseled out. a couple more walls got
knocked down, and a new pantry is on it's way.
on the health front, i started the hormones, and so far, eh....i hate estrogen, but it's not
as bad as last time. i also finally went to see the cancer risk assement people yesterday,
and found out i am in the abnormal rage, wich is over 7%, so i'm going to UT southwestern
sometime for genetics testing to see if i have some bad genes. MRCA1 or 2 or HNCPP are
typical cancer agents they can test for. apperantly all my health problems come from me
being what geneticists refer to as an "ashkenazi" jew. soon i'll know to what percentage i
got screwed in the genetic lottery. if i'm lucky, i carry bad genes, but not active ones,
so i won'te be susceptable to cancer. we'll see. i still have to wait for them to call me
to set everything up.
valentines day was interesting.... luc sent me a very cute t-shirt, software, and another
yoda :o) which really made it a nice day. then courtney called and the night got unusal.
i'll leave it at this: all major holidays this year involve me meeting new strippers and
staying out too late....
so after i got home at 3am, i got up at 5 to get my shit together to present some wave
theory to 8-11 yr old girls. it was the cutest damned thing, but man did it wipe me out.
in the morning i talked to them about sound waves, and in the afternoon helped them make
structures. too cute. the program was good, but somehow i think it should have been more
organized. 200 girls and 20 events. i guess i can't bitch since i refuse to help organize
these things.
tomorow is a big presentation, followed by midterms next week. wish me luck...
2/10/03, 12:38pm
i'm once again at war with computers. i'm at school using the comps cause i've fucked up my
sisters.... hopefully i can get it fixed and not get more sick on the drive there and back.
if not, that machine may be going out the window.
2/5/03, 12:08am
so far, so good
back on meds, hormone time! hopefully this time it will go better, and my blood tests will
be so crazy normal that i won't need anything in addition to the light normal shit i'm on
now. my doctor is bad ass. he told me i can go to see him for acupuncture any time my
tummy bothers me, and that it will help a lot with the pain.
i'm rockin my classes as of now. we'll see how that continues. did i mention i am magical
with matlab? the research paper also went smoothly, although i question how good it was.
it's turned in now, so i guess i'll see. sucks cause the best i can get is a B, but could
be worse.
in other crazy news. leo might be going to school with me soon, in pursuit of a masters or
Phd in food science, which requires a BS in either chemistry or biology. gots to start with
a normal degree, and then one day he can be a doctor of cheese, or maybe even compost......
1/30/03, 7:02pm
so the day got worse and worse, until it got better....
on the better side of things, matlab is my bitch, jazz is nice, and i don't feel sick
anymore :o) and to make it all just that much better, luc knows me well enough to forgive
my irrational anger.
tomorow i have a check up with a new doctor, so if you have free time, say a little prayer
for me. in the last few years going to the doctor has meant finding out i have more wrong
with me than i realized. hopefully this weekend with start off with that going well, and
then the paper being rewritten smoothly.
1/30/03, 2:28am
this is the part where i fall to pieces....
the dell just ate the report i've been working on for 2 weeks. i don't even have the old
version bc i scrapped it in writing the new version today, for the last 12 hours. for some
reason, in a situation that would only happen to me, the file reverted to a version i saved
last night, erasing everything i did today as well as the former version of the paper i had
startred writing over. somehow it reverted to the worst possible version it possible could,
besides a blank, which would have been sloghtly less insulting. the paper is due in 7
hours, i still have a fucking cold, my whole body hurts, and i obviously have no desire to
rewrite it, nor do i give a shit anymore. somehow i managed to turn an easy as hell class
into an absolute nightmare. this has never happened to me before, so of course, it'd happen
now.
to top it all off, luc was being all helpful and i freaked out and was mean to him, and he
signed off. now all i need to do is cut my eye with my hair and vomit some blood to make
the evening complete......
i now officially HATE technology.
1/26/03, 11:10pm
the super bowl was not at all what i expected. the raiders just weren't ready for that
defense...
anywho, just got home a bit ago from my sister's place. it was bizar cause they're on the
atkin's diet, i'm trying to be vegan, and jav is trying to eat less meat in a move toward
being vegetarian, and my mom made a cake....
that nyquil is really fucking me up. i'm not sleepy, but my vision is trailing.....i think
that means i should go to sleep.
g'night
1/24/03, 2:57pm
i really can't get into the whole journal as a listing of everything i do in a day. i can't
imagine anyone wanting to read it. i read other people's journals, and find them interesting
enough to go back to. it's just that i spend a hell of a lot of time dealing with shit
that's so unpleasant and even disgusting, that i don't want to remember it, or even share it
with other people bc all it leads to is worry and discomfort.
needless to say, i'm sick and it sucks. it especially sucks bc leo just left for austin for
the week to check out some restaurants, and now i'm stuck here with the fam. i'm hoping i
can find something to do besides just homework.
1/23/03, 2:55pm
this is the part that sucks....
i feel like ass, i'm so tired it's taking everything just to sit up and type, and class
doesn't start till 3:30. i searched ever so gingerly for the prof to turn the matlab in,
but alas, he was not in his office, so i'm left to sit and waste time, while not falling
asleep in some lounge, until i can find him and plead my case. i'm really hoping he takes
the work printed out.....
i also need to get my loan from the evil deferred, and for that i have to go see the
registrar... suckage....one more thing i don't want to deal with....
1/23/03, 12:22pm
i am magical, or even close to miracluous....
i finished the matlab, or at least that part that is supposed to be done during class today,
so i can go home after turning it in. WOOT!!!!
1/23/03, 11:15am
someone remind me how the hell i did it before, cause right now i'm stumped. i'm sick, ear
ache, throat infection, and possible bronchitis, and don't understand how i got a damned
thing done feeling worse than this, at a harder school, while working, and having a social
life. i'm thinking i had either a remarkable will power, or all those drugs weren't so bad
after all. this being all natural bullshit hurts like a mofo.
...and now i will perform a feat of magic, and do the matlab before the lab so i can go
home......
1/22/03, 2:18pm
went jogging today with leo, who is sick, but stubbornly insisted we go anyway. i think
since he can't find a restaurant he likes, harassing me into getting into shape is his new
hobby.
i don't know why i can't seem to stay mad at him for more than a couple minutes, while the
rest of the world pisses me off. i can't imagine anyone else convncing me at 6am that i
should jog when it's 30 outside and i'm out of shape and asleep.....
gotta go to the store.....
1/20/03, 2:04pm
today the obnoxious conversation of the day, is the ass conversation. there are a couple
other chicks in my managment class, which today was moved to a different building. i end up
walking next to this girl on the trip to the new classroom, and two guys walk behind us.
they wisper in a perfectly audible tone, which one's got a better ass, the one on the right,
or on the left? then an argument ensues about roundness and firmness. wtf..... if it
hadn't been 9am, i might have responded in some way other than to keep walking, although i
don't know exactly what the propper response to that would be....
1/19/03, 12:38pm
if there was any doubt before, now i know i'm a big dork. i've been surfing the web reading
random news and blogs, waiting for the library to open so i can go check out a book
called "building the data warehouse".....i'm gonna have to do something cool today to
compensate for that.
1/18/03, 11:25pm
6 hrs later, i now know entriely too much about web based data logging architectures.....as
it turns out, there aren't very many differnt ones.
on a less boring note, but only slightly, i feel a lot better today. leo and i started
doing commercial time calisthenics, and now i know for sure, i'm a weakling. perhaps in time
the push ups will help. we'll see.
1/17/03, 5:41pm
don't you just love it when pain shows up on your day off? thankfully i didn't have a lot
to do today, and my sister's kids are playing outside, so i can sit around and feel like ass
and hope tomorow doesn't suck quite as hard as today....
1/16/03, 4:44pm
the crazy commentary got down to a minimum today. i got one slight, but only because i'm
hyper sensitive and notice that kind of crap. in eng managment, the prof was asking people
why we decided to be engineers, i gave him an answer, and he kind of giggled and said, do
you know what engineers do?, and i said, yes, i've worked as one for a few years now, to
which he momentarily paused and gave me a shocked look, then said good, in a, i don't know
what else to say kind of way. now, i realize that's super picky, but being hyper sensitive,
that kind of shit grates on me, but considering that he caught himself and tried to make up
for it, really made me feel a little better.
then dsp was uber uncomfortable bc the prof stopped me before class and asked me what
happened last semester, and i really don't have an answer. i got a 100 on the first midterm,
then... well i dunno wtf happened, but whatever it was i stopped going to class and here i
am again.....this answer was apperantly not sufficient bc he kept looking at me during class
and keeping eye contact till i'd nod, and then stopped me again after class to make sure i
was ok. i don't know what to make of this.....
other hilarity for the day. leo came by at 11 to buy a book for me, cause i po, and then
decided that i should come with him to get a har cut since i didn't have class again till 1.
so we stop at the first barber we see and walk in. everyone in there is black, the barber,
the customers, the receptionist. people are getting braids and relaxants and old lady
curls. they looked at us like, wtf, and leo looked at me and said, whatever, and told the
guy he needs his hair to be shorter for work, and he doesn't really care what it looks like.
the guy is like, i'd have to use scissors wouldn't i? and of course he does, cause leo has
that crazy wavy mexican jew hair, so he's like, i can't do that, you have to wiat for this
other guy. so that guy finishes the fade he's doing and then moves on to leo. leo tells
him, ask her what you should do. i tell him, fade the back to a straight line at the crown,
and cut the top to a half inch. so then he starts talking to leo about the fade, but leo
has no idea, and tells him do what you want. at this point i laugh cause the guys pulls out
a 1, but i didn't comment, cause it was just too funny. so he takes half an hour and gives
leo this crazy haircut that looks good, but extremely unusual. he has this incredibly
smooth fade from a 1 not quite to a 3 and then not quite a half inch in the front. the best
part was that the guy left his side burns till the end, so he had these big poofy curls on
his cheeks, and when the guy looked at him, all checking out if it was ok, he kinda chuckled
and cut them off. i'll post pics later. the whole place was watching leo's hair cut as the
barber instructed the other barber who couldn't use scissors on how to cut straight hair.
so the one thing i've learned is that hair styles are not interchangable racially. that
fade is great, but on a big round jew head, with hair that'll grow out in 2 weeks, it's jsut
silly.
1/15/03, 12:25pm
day two in the return to the hardcore, and my brainwashing seems to be working. i'm totally
anal retentivly organized and clean and up to date. just have to keep this up for a year,
and then a lifetime to follow. i love lying to myself purely for money's sake.....
i love electrical engineering. i love how EE is so beneficial to society, and enriching to
the moral fiber of this nation. i especially love electrical engineering in texas. i love
being surrounded by white and asian men all day. i love being called pet names by total
strangers. i love having all conversation directed anywhere but at my face, even more. i
love that smiling and giggling are often more effective than intelligent comments. most of
all, i love cynicism.
1/14/03, 4:28pm
i've discovered the key to getting treated better in the EE community that i had forgotten
for a little while. big breasts and a little waist make for sucess. i realize that's not
all, i mean my grades are pretty damned good, and my work history looks nice on paper, but
loosing some weight and making sure i look hot made a fuck load of difference today. i got
to take whatever classes i want, and the same fucking dean who told the fat, t-shirt wearing
me, he wasn't so sure about my ability to graduate, gave me a big thumbs up for graduating
in december, while staring intently at my chest, and even telling an anecdote about the
evil. fucker.....
this is all not to mention that no matter where i sat all day in the engineering building,
every fucking conversation i overheard was composed of a bunch of white/indian guys bitching
about how there are no chicks in EE except the few ugly stupid bitches.
same story, different day. same bullshit, different school. same bigotted insanity,
different state.
when shit gets bad, it only gets worse, but it seems that i can only work when i'm pretty
sure things can't get worse. now all i need to round off this bizarly parallel hell is to
get a job, and then have my employer stare at me in shock that i'm brown, and then try to
get me into bed, and my life will be complete.
ahhhhh cynicism..............
why the hell aren't there more women in EE? i mean, it's no harder than mech. it seems to
be a catch-22. there are no women, so no women want to do it, so there are no women, so the
women who do it get shit on, so no women want to do it, so there are no women.......
yeah, so i registed at 12 hrs, full time, and applied for a shit load of jobs....back to the
crazies
1/2/03, 1:23pm
happy new year!
babysitting, strippers and lesbians....not all at once, but it was a good new year's eve
celebration. i'll post the pictures some time. my sister took quite a few.
now i just need a job. that's the resolution for the year. sad, i know, but i just
realized it's tax time, and i have nothing to declare. i haven't worked in over a year and
that's absurd.
kelly and i have been discussing moving to LA in june, but first i need to get out of
debt....wish me luck.
more rambling >>
You may find this conversation farmiliar.....
12/22/02, 12:23pm
i only write bullshit here, and not interesting bullshit either. i'm well aware, and don't feel the need to change. i type to relax, and typing serious shit isn't relaxing, so i anything that might be of any interest or depth is trapped on paper in ink.
with that out of the way i can go back to being shallow and boring: my family is all together, at least the parts that still associate with one another. it's festive and cute and busy to an absurd degree. the kids are all excited, and for once we all are getting presents for eachother. in the down economy we celebrate, while in all those up years, there was a general malaise; go figure.
leo showed up on the door step the other day, in typical leo style. shanghai was apperantly dirty and full of chinese people that like to play video games and drink. this is similar to leo's description of new york, which is dirty and full of new yorkers who like to shop and drink.
went to trees last night to see the rocket summer show perform. it was surreal to see leo's friends singing to a packed house with a crowd that sang along. most people there were chill and a lot of them knew someone in the band, but there were a bunch of girls all screaming and fauning over those boys. i'll never understand why when people get recognised as talented, and get all famous, people stop treating them human and make everything bizzar.
the line was crazy long, and of all people louie provost saw me and leo and let us cut in line with them. it was interesting talking to him. it seems that gossip gets around all over the place. also ran into meagan mcintyre and talked to her for a long time. seems there is going to be a 5 yr reunion for my hs class. i think i'd rather be tarred and feathered.
other than that, shit has been pretty normal. babysit, do shit around the house, babysit some more.
happy holidays :o)
11/18/02, 8:43pm
the kids are in bed, and at least pretending to be asleep, so i can write a bit, but i'm sick again, so i'm rather out of it. dayquill fucks me up. if it's not one thing, it's another.....
friday and saturday were pretty good. i started to feel better, so my mom, sal and i stained the deck. it looks really good. i like the color they chose. we almost finished, but had to stop bc the stain thickens and won't spread under 50F. i'm guessing we'll finish up and put on the second coat next weekend.
i got sick on sunday i think bc we've been bringing the dogs inside to get them more accustomed to people. they're really good dogs, but i'm pretty sure i'm a bit allergic to them. i'm hoping after this cold passes my allergies will calm down. we're trying to teach the dogs to pull a cart. so far it's fun. i'll post some pics of them some time. they're really huge dogs.
11/14/02, 12:55pm
tired. so tired. so very very tired.
wanna go home and go back to sleep (i'm at school), but something tells me my mother will expect otherwise. work on the house or cook dinner or grocery shop or something like that. terrible.....
i'm so sloth like it's sad. lets all cross our fingers and pray there isn't anything new wrong with me. that would seriously suck.
as for the novel, well hell, i just want to lay around like a beached whale, and they don't type. maybe later tonight i'll feel better, or maybe i'll go get real fucked up and then try writing. most likely, i'm going to sleep.
i'm so cheerful.......
11/12/02, 9:15pm
babysitting and writing is tough to do. thankfully i have a lot of it in my head even though i haven't had time to write it out. for those of you how've read what i managed to get down, the whole dancing midget freud thing is going somewhere, just not anywhere sensical.
11/12/02, 11:36am
class complete. had an econ test. think it went well. the grades will be posted in a couple hours....
someone keeps messageing me on the uta server, and i don't know how to respond, nor do i feel like taking the minimal amount of effort it would require to figure out how to. i think i'll jsut fix the organization of the novel's links and web rings right now. then i'll attempt to write some more.
but before i do that... i wanted to make a note of a dream i had a few nights ago that was crazy fucked up. it had 4 people in it, and i think i was all of them, or none of them, or a guy. it was very fast paced and didn't make much sense. the 4 were in a small bar, something like the vig in nyc that i went to once a while back. there was some discussion of some drug, but it was always mumbled and unclear, and apperantly everyone was very opposed to it bc a bad batch was going around and people were dying. after that i'm not really sure what happened. there was some music, but i can't remember what it was, then they found one of the 4, a women, dead in the bathroom, which was really small like the one in that bar we used to go to for open mic in hoboken. what the hell was the name of it? oh that's gonna bother me....
anyway, it turns out someone had slipped her something in her drink and the cops were after the 3 of them. they hid out, and then there was some skirmish and somone else got shot and i woke up. i'm not sure who the hell was shooting or why there was a fight, but i woke up really confused.
11/12/02, 10:43am
nothing quite like a stomach that reaches out to attack the mouth it's attached to....
i'm tired and feel icky, but i managed to write a few words today, and i'm gonna try to write some more later. i have class now, so it'll have to wait a few while.
11/8/02, 6:07am
i need to decide where thehell i am going with my novel, instead of playing games at shockwave.com. they are addictive. stupid puzzles....
i can only do two things at once. aim and writing, or aim and puzzles, but not aim, puzzles and writing.....
talked to luc for a while and saw his new green elephant. take a pic in daylight goob, and post it :o)
talked to jay for a while, about life and literature. it's funny how i lived in a room below him for a year and never found out we like similar literature. i think i spent too much time drinking and smoking to talk about the shit i love. luc says i never talked about it around the house at all. i'm guessing this all stems from me being terribly sick and unhappy at stevnes....
breakfast time :o)
11/6/02, 4:07pm
i'm doing good in one fucking class, and its the most inane one i think i've taken in college thus far. i should have gone into anything but science, its so much easier, and more interesting.
anyway, enough of that, i'm back to babysitting for the day and have moved along in the cheesecake fiasco. i paid for a cheescake from this baker for sloan's birthday. no big deal, right? i've managed to fuck it up. i got to the baker's late last night and they were closed. i went by today and they'd sold it to someone else, thinking i wasn't going to show. so now it won't be ready till friday.....
as for the nowri, well i've hit an interesting point in character development and i'm not sure which way to go. one the one hand i want to keep the character's gender ambiguous, on the other, in choosing the gender of the character's lover i bring along a lot of assumptions and confusion. how should i go about talking about someone without using gender related pronouns for several pages? or should i scrap the lover all together?
please
email me or post something in
my guest book (link is on the left frame) if you have any ideas. THANKS!
11/5/02, 8:40pm
kids are in bed, got a little writing done, have to clean up a bit and head home to bed. man am i pooped today. this weekend my sister is moving, and i want to catch up to at least 17,000 words, plus get my dsp knowledge up to speed so i can pass next weeks test. should be hard core, and it' only tuesday.....
11/5/02, 5:04am
woa, got myself a moving....
i've decided to participate in NaNOWriMO....so far it's really fun, but i have to catch up this week. check out the links on the left
11/4/02, 6:42pm
halloween turned out ok, the kids were cute and the inspection was quick, and i managed to muster the energy after a nap, to go to a party and see the bizar mix of spep people and naked people and an oompa loompa. now that i've stopped drinking heavily, i remember why i hated people so much in high school. people are infinitly less amusing when i'm sober.
this weekend i slept a lot, thought a lot, wrote a half ass paper, and slowly but surely started to get more with it. i'm starting to build up a crazy mix of supplements and organics to keep myself healthy, but it's working, so whatever. now i just have to remember to take them every day.....
i need to go to the store to buy some cookie making stuff and to some place to buy some pants. when i changed the battery the other day i must have gotten some acid on ym pants, bc they pretty much fell apart.... damned acid... i HATE shopping...
the kids are being awfully good tonight, so i should probly go now...
10/31/02, 3:40am
i should be asleep but stress makes me all awake, even after i've stopped freaking out. the car died bc the battery was drained, and so cori took me to get a new one. jav and her helped me put it in and now the car is ALIVE. now i just have to get the oil changed and the inspection done....man does that suck. car care and classes and trick or treating and then i'll be too fucking tired to go out and enjoy it at all. having to sleep sucks. being sick sucks. being all strung out and confused sucks. maybe friday will be better.
10/30/02, 6:04pm
it's always nice to catch up with old friends. it really puts shit back in perspective. it's also a really good destractor from school, although that's probably not what i need right now. talked to gautam and kelly and heather over the past few days and i'm feeling less shitty for it. i even managed to study for a test today and RETAIN some of what i read.
*brb, gotta take the munchkin to karate lessons*
oh man, kids are a lot of work..... as soon as i get back, it's time to go again. little things take forever and stubborness is hereditary and so is mischeviousness....
*brb, gotta pick the munchkin up from karate lessons*
car died.... this sucks....
10/27/02, 4:56am
damn it.....erased my counter on accident, and decided to just go ahead and use the one on geocities to save some trouble.....
on a better note, i put up a pics page, but i haven't organized it or anything, so bear with me people.
10/27/02, 2:07am
where to start.... long month it's been.
curtis had a birthday, cutie is 10 now. babysat a lot, since my sister is moving to a cute new place and has a shit load of stuff to do. the kids are a hand full, but really keep me going, despite all the illness and stuff. they're sneaky and silly and well... normal kids.
school has been going, eh, ok at best. i have no idea when i'll graduate, and right now am just trying to deal with things one day at a time.
healthwise things have been great for the most part, except for this little icky ear/throat thing and these random days of pure hellish pain. i can't decide if it was better when i felt like shit all the time, but was semi-productive, or now that it's great most of the time, and fucking unbearable every couple weeks for a couple days, not that i can choose, but i still wonder.
i've stopped the omlettesoft webchat boycotte, which was of course all about stupid stubbornness in the first place. the shit that perturbed me on the webchat had nothing to do with omlette or the webchat, and it seems that the probibility of it occuring again has gone away, so i can stop being childish alone, and return to being childish on the webchat.
i don't know why i let things get to me so much, but at the same time, i'm kinda glad that i'm learning to draw some lines and say no when i'm not happy. i'm not so fantastic at it, and often use avoidance instead of confronting problems, but hell, its better than going home and crying, and then going back for more abuse, or being cruel in return, like i used to do. no need to sink to that again.
i'll try to update with some sense of regularity from now on, no promises, but
i'll try. gautum called today to catch up, and noted my lack of updates. comment duely noted, and corrected. i'm also gonna put up a page of pics and take them off this page replacing them with links, to fix the obscene loading time and to display the weird pics leo sends me from china. which reminds me, i miss my peo.......
10/7/02, 10:21am
i tried to update the night i got in from monterrey, but juno was acting funny again, and i lost the damned update.
quick sum up:
mexico is interesting and beautiful, but i'm a spoiled american and love good water pressure and central airconditioning. i have a lot of family there whom i'll eventuially post pics of. the trip inspired me to try really hard to be vegan again, and to give up all the evils that i love so (although i cheat ocasionally still, i'm still trying). it's now around 70% sure that my great great grandfather is who we think he is, so we're gonna have some dna testing to check for sure, cause my grandmother really wants to know.i think were gonna use
this service.
drop me a line
if you know of a better way to go about this.
9/28/02, 1:37am
leaving for monterrey in 5 hours.... i should be sleeping, but for a change, i'm in pain. this trip should be fun, unless this shit keeps up.
on the brighter side, i got a new pair of berks since my old favorites were about to fall apart. comfy shoes rock.
i hope you're feeling better, lucas. *hug*
9/26/02, 10:22pm
ok ok, so i've calmed down...
now i'm wondering what the hell the idiot, i mean president, is thinking....he says insulting and infalmitory things about democrats he needs in order to get the legislation passed to start this war he wants, just to raise some money. how silly can he be? he might as well be whoring himself out in the rose garden while trying to convince a bunch of televangelists that he's a saint. talk about cutting your nose off despite your face, and then refusing on some fucked up principle no one else is aware of, to apologize. what people see in him i'll never understand.........
my favorite to date is bush's list of reasons why the "preemptive strike" on iraq is justified. one of them amounts to: he tried to kill my dad. now there's a fine reason for a war! there's nothing quite like world leaders reacting like thugs. the bushy kiss of death, backed up by the entire military of the usa and britain and maybe a good portion of the rest of europe too, why not?
9/26/02, 9:58pm
*grumble, grumble, whine, whimper, hiss......*
today was not a happy day. this week was not a happy week. thankfully i'm doing well in school by some miracle, but that's not gonna keep happening if every day is full of new horrific surprizes. lice, severe abdoninal swelling, crazy bad allergies, kidney infection, that's been this week. every damned day something new to fuck with me.....
MY KIDNEYS HURT!!!!!!!!! one doctor wants me to go to the emergency room, then changes her mind and tells me to go to another doctor to get a sono, then that doctor tells me all i need is antibiotics and to stop taking advil for the swelling which is only making it worse. good to know, but man did that freak me out, thinking my kidney's were in really bad shape instead of just infected. how the hell i got a kidney infection, no one seems to be able to explain. of course not, i never have infections that make any sense.
doctors suck...............
9/22/02, 3:30am
today's been odd. i had a dream between when i woke up to my alarm when i was supposed to get up at 9am, and when i actually awakened at noon. i was watching myself from a view a few feet above my head and a few feet in front, with two women, i have no recolection of ever meeting in reality, and we were, from what i gather setting fire to what seemed to be a large corporate building. security came in, and seeing as we were armed, they shot us all. at this point i enter my body, very suddenly and with a feeling similar to, although not exactly like, a rush of adremaline and start running toward an exit and then down a staircase along with the two other women, away from our bloodied dead bodies.
since i'm now in my body i understand what the hell is going on and can hear my own thoughts. we'd planned to burn down some large office belonging to the exxon corporation and it had gone arrye and now we're on the run and looking for an escape, although no one is chasing us, since we're dead.
the staircase is apperantly on the corner of the building and on the outer walls is made of glass giving a nice few of a very tall palm tree that we are running down the length of as we run down stairs, about 4 flights. as we reach the ground, we hear from above someone saying, they went this way, along with decending footsteps. we look outside, and someone is waiting by the door, which is locked from out there and is only an emergency exit. we are trapped into continuing our decent.
we run down stairs for quite a while, and the temperature keeps rising as we go. i initially assume i'm feeling warm from running, but eventually realize it's unnaturally hot for such a distance underground. i also notice that this building has far more basement space than seems reasonable.
eventually we reach the end of the stair case and are forced to enter the basement. the basement, surprize, surprize is a firey hell, that isn't as unpleasant as i would have assumed. it looks a lot like a shopping mall with a red-orange lighting scheme and a broken airconditioning system in mid-summer. people are bustling around buying and selling at lines of kiosks reminding my of open air flea markets. it seems that hell is a capitolist society located in the sub-basement of the exxon-mobile building.
we quickly try to blend in to the crowd and only slowly begin to understand where we are. a lot of normal things are for sale and people all seems normal, but there is an obvious urgency to it all, and an even more obvious discontent. as we're soaking it all in, my dsp professon wispers in my ear from behind me, "would you like to buy some perfume, andrea?" this shocks me for several reasons,
1. it's creepy to feel someone's breath on your ear, wispering, especially when you don't hear them coming, and they're standing close behind you
2. i recognize the voice of the man and turn to see who it is, and recognize him as my dsp professor
3. i immediatly understand that the perfume serves some important alterior function in hell that i haven't become aquainted with
so now i know i'm in hell, i understand that i'm illeqiped, and so what else is there to do but buy some perfume? it turns out, american currency is accepted in hell.
dr.oraintara disappears into the crowd rather magically before my eyes, and i stare out into a sea of people feeling overwhelmed, the way i did the first time i went to a rave and watched a massive crowd of people dance synchronously to good techno. then i hear my name over the pa. i'm being paged by satan, says a rather normal operator type voice.
to my great surprize, i know exactly where to go in response to this page, and feel perfectly normal in hurriedly rushing through a busy crowd in hell to see satan, at the "usual" spot. it's an odd kind of surreal feeling. the way i imagine salmon feel on their return to their birthplace to lay eggs. you don't recollect the path to where you are going, or the place once you get there, but in a completely inate way you're driven to keep moving and then to suddenly stop.
i stop in a rather chique, large room that looks like something of a conferance room. hell has a charmingly integrated corporate feel to match its location, so of course satan's meeting rooms would be full of sterile corporate art and daunting furniture for one person to sit at alone. i don't have much choice though, seeing as it seems unwise to ditch out on a meeting with the boss of this crazy place.
satan then appears in a firey blaze with loud booming music and roars and brimstone and all the other shit i've ever heard symbolizing satan that i find melodramatic and silly. so of course, satan is the spliting image of dante's description of him, hooven, huge and menacing. i reflect on this absurd consistancy and snicker at the benigness of hell, which of course pisses satan off.
growling angrily, he picks me up, reminiscent of that scene from king kong, and tosses me in his mouth like a tic tac. imediatly he spits me out and begins cursing, or so it seems, in some language i don't recognise, and then says that he's got to find out who's making that perfume that everyone is wearing this week because it tastes terrible, and sodomy just isn't as amusing as eating people alive, especially since there are so many people who enjoy it these days. it doesn't illicit the fear and torment it used to. that marque de sade really ruined all his fun, he whines.
at this point, i woke up, feeling quite baffeled, with my normal abdominal pain. i don't usually remember my dreams, and when i do, not in detail. that was quite an oddity.....
so then to make things even stranger, i went and took a shower, and what the hell do i find in my hair? 2 lice. how the hell i got them, i have no idea. my mother finds this incredibly funny because it disgusts me to no end, and i found nothing more humiliating than having to go to the drug store to buy delousing shampoo and combs to clean the infestation. i think i had less problem with angrily arguing with a pharmacist at the front of a line of people about needing supositories rather than pills for my pain since i was vomiting profusing every time i ingested anything this one time i got sick. i realize that lice are little bugs that jump from host to host and that i could have gotten them anywhere, but it still makes me feel dirty, in an irreparable way. i really want to shave my whole damned body, head to toe, but i think that's a little much. instead i've just coated myself in oil to suffocate the little buggers which may have escaped the poison, which has had the nice side effect of making my skin and hair very soft and shiney. i'm gonna have to do that every day for 2 weeks to appease my own disgust.
so all in all, today deserves a big, what the fuck?
9/20/02, 12:30am
damn it all, never found anything else to do, ate too many tacos and watched the discovery channel.......i love that shit, eve was most likely egyptian and you can get your genetics traced back really far using mitochondrial rna mapping. for a mut like me, that'd be kinda interesting.
9/19/02, 2:27pm
oh boy! a good day so far, following a lot of bad. finally took a test that made me not feel like a moron. although basic introductory macroeconomics hardly compares to ac electronics design in difficulty, i don't care, i still feel good. i'm willing to overlook the fact that it's math a drunk monkey could do and that it was multiple choice, and even that most of it was defining basic terms. delusions of intelligence are fun, and even helpful. i calmed the fuck down after the econ test and reread the power systems stuff that was absolutely baffling me before and whala... i get it. matlab and me have truced. it works for me about 75% of the time, which is enough to keep me somewhat sane. and best of all, i don't feel like death today, my heartbeat is normal, my stomach isn't swollen, nor are my kidneys or bladder. i know no one want's to hear about my internal organs, but it makes such a huge difference in my life. i'm really happy right now.
in other news, leo's got a job training line cooks at a new restaurant a european guy is opening in shanghai, so that's uber cool. he seems really happy out there. the drunk email at all hours seems to imply that at least. lots of babbling about ritz crackers, which from leo is a good sign. he's very affectionate about food :o)
man, the goodness just keeps flowing in... luc's having a good couple days off and got a burner at a good price and some awesome movies at good prices too, and wendy, my awesome roommate from freshman year at stevens, IMed me to tell me she'll talk to me at 4:30 and it's 4 now, and so did shweeny and she's coming up on saturday and she's got a job at a law firm and i miss her so that's awesome, and nanda IMed and said hello and she seems happy, and i think a lot of old issues from my time in jersey got settled for me today and over the last couple week at long last.
so what to do tonight? i have no idea. it's been such an awesome day and i figured yesterday that it was gonna suck, and that'd i'd want to go to sleep early, like 8 or so, and now i'm all happy and want to do something. i guess i should start working on the next matlab assignment since i'm babysitting tomorow and i want to hang out with shween while she's here this weekend, so that kinda leaves me with little time to do it otherwise, but that's so evil. hmmmmmmm, i will find something.....
9/18/02, 6:42am
insomnia (no caffine by the way), an addiction to web junk, and a pure hatred for matlab have kept me up all night and utterly unproductive, except for a lot of attention to my web page, which is oh so helpful to my GPA. time to get moving, but i think i'll play around with the page a little more.....
9/18/02, 3:08am
i've managed to get some shit done that was long over due, like sending amit cookies, and doing ALL of my laundry (i'd forgotten i'd had some of that clothing, it'd been dirty so long), but i made the mistake of taking a nap today and i've fallen behind in the massive amount of crap i still have to do. granted, it's not nearly the quantity of crap i used to do. now that i sleep and eat and bath, every damned day, i really don't have nearly as much time as i used to. how the hell i worked and made it through school before, i'm not quite sure, especially consdering where i was. i give full credit to drugs and alcohol. pain killers and tequila....
now i'm making the big leap and giving it all up. the only evils in my life will be ciggs, very rarely and meat and dairy, also very rarely. today was a day full of those evils, but no pain killers or caffine or anything illicit, and that's a rather unfarmiliar feeling from long ago, except now i feel like ass, whereas before i felt young and vibrant and pure..... lol....i figure, i haven't had anything to drink or any other form of amusement in a few weeks, and the pain killers give me a hang over now, so it should be not so hard to pull off. how the hell i'm going to quit smoking... that's rather unclear, so i'm just gonna pretend that tobacco isn't so bad, and find it easy to justify. the gastro may have been fucking useless to my health, but they all pushed me to smoke, and i thank them for the easy excuse to keep smoking.
so now that my mind is wandering all over the place and i don't remember what it was i planned on writing, i'll jsut post some random shit i find amusing....
leo and his magic orb of light....
and leo harassing me in typical style back when we shared this room...
evilpeo video
9/17/02, 1:05am
so much fucking bullshit...... matlab crashed this machine twice, and someone ate one of my print outs that i spent 2 fucking hours making and then closed, before i went to pick up the paper copy, and it's fucking gone... AHHHHHHHHH.....so not user friendly,so not windows friendly, so not drea friendly, matlab is evil and even though it claims to function like C, it's a big fat lie.... it doesn't cause i can program in C and this shit is NOT C. needless to say, this hw is not getting past halfway done, bc my head is about to explode.
end rant
8/8/02, 9:35pm
drinking is fun. having friends post pictures of you drunk, probly not as fun, but i think its amusing anyway, especially cause it'll annoy kev:
8/1/02, 2:51am
dude, what the hell happened to the summer? i realize i'm taking classes and sitting on my ass a lot, but come on, how the hell did it get to be august already? the last six months got sucked down some vortex of apathy and laziness.......
on a brighter note, here's a pic of leo's gf dawn and another dude he works with:
7/22/02, 6:25pm
ok, so i'm really bad about updating these days. juno is annoying and i actually have found shit to do now.
i'm gonna take this page down soon, or at least change the content to some useless web junk rather than this babbling which i don't find too amusing any more. just a heads up.
6/17/02, 2:12am
midterms and unemployment, and somehow it's not so bad....
it seems the power of love, friendship, and meditation, mixed with the tiniest bit of optimism, is big enough to make classes seems a lot easier and poverty tolerable. it helps that i've had a lot of time alone to relax and study, and that my profs leave an absurd amount of time between lectures and tests. little did i know that public school is reasonable, managable, and sane. the lectures for my midterms ended last thursday and my first test isn't until next tuesday, followed by one the monday after that. (silly, isn't it?) the only thing i have to bitch about is that the hints for the hw aren't posted before its due, even though the solutions will be posted immediatly after class. lol, woah is me, it's not absurdly agreeable....... so all in all, school is feelin good.
i've taken more pics, and will post them if anyone cares to see them. maybe i'll even fix that vido clip at the top of this page one day ;o)
everyone keep you fingers crossed for luc, who has a job interview coming up, and while you're at it, meditate on the vision of a better economy :o)
6/9/02, 11:24pm
Hug someone... it's a huggable kinda night
i have managed to keep up with a few of you, but i haven't talked to a lot of people i miss in quite a while so i figured i'd update and say howdy to you guys. i hope everyone in jersey is hangin on, all my old school grapevine people are well and that everyone who's graduating is finding something good at that end of the rainbow.
class isn't so bad so far, even though me and the bread bords in the electronics lab aren't getting along so well. i'm looking for a job in the new arena of the UTA student employment office, sicnce i'm indeed, not flight attendant material, and it looks like it's gonna be back to tutoring for me. could be worse, i kinda like teaching.
do i look arab? lebenese perhaps?..... apperantly to some, i kinda do, and it's pretty fun to tell those who assume such that i look it cause i'm a hispanic jew..... lol.... is that wrong?
luc doesn't seem to update anymore but he's online at night, so harass him when he's on so he remembers that you guys who know him, love him. i sure do, but sometimes i'm babysitting, or driving to kansas, or fighting the endless battle with PSPICE and can't say it on aim in the middle of the night, so help me out guys. i'll leave it at that, since he seems anti-web journal of late. being across this big ass state in this crazy bush inspired economy with family and a few old friends on both ends makes for a surreal, yet farmiliar summer for us both, i think.....
dude, i feel robbed by the tyson v lewis fight. tyson was all reasonable and looked small and lewis was all fighting a bit dirty and throwing repetative jabs. i was all geared up for biting and a much more brutal fight. silly boxing commision....
the summer brings out the fuzzy with the warmth :o)
5/23/02, 4:48pm
happy dance time :o)
it turns out, it'd be absurd for me to convince UTA that i should get 128 credits for what i did at stevens and in hs, since only 127 are required to graduate, and i'm missing a couple important EE courses. so as it turns out, i have 89 transfer credits and about 18 AP credits. i'm taking 10 this summer, 10 in the fall and graduating in december. WOOT!
everyone keep your fingers crossed for me. i think i pull off a 4.0 and graduate in december without a hitch and maybe even get a job..........
5/22/02, 7:27pm
life is so weird....
lucas arrived early on the 8th. we considered going to china to teach english, decided that i'm not healthy enough to move to asia without health insurance, so leo decided to go alone, and have a good time with steven pan, if all works out, in shanghai. this all was decided in about 72 hours. we emailed this language school looking for teachers, got an answer, drove to austin to interview, got the pitch, and leo took it. (poor luc spent most of 2 dyas on the road) turned out, he had to buy the ticket to china the next day, so we run around the city looking for a place to crash, eventually find kelly studying at metro and tell her of this plan, she gives up her keyes and we head over there. and so, the next morning it was done, leo had a ticket to china, and i turned old, i mean 22. it was really fun hanging out with kelly and luc and leo. one of the most intersting and fun birthday's i've had in a long long while.
when we finally drive back to arlington, my grandma margie is home and so is a letter from UTA saying i got in. *sigh* class starts next tuesday, the 28th....but i had an awesome time chilling with the fam and lucas and seeing everyone who was momentarily home, kelly and shweeny and sloan. played a nice game of spades and installed a lof of pirated software :o) i even propegated a beautiful rumor that grew out of hand in 2 days, out of a bad combination of wishful thinking and metaphore.
may is always an interesting month... went down to the valley to meet luc's family and friends at long last. they've been asking me for a while, and circumstnace finally fell in place, although that is contentious. i think it did at least. got back last night. it was a nice 3 days of chillin with really nice people. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.... cept for that weird ass bug bite and hives. but the hives went away fast and the bite it healing, so all in all it was a great trip. got to hang out with ram and nero too.. so that rocked. especially the really complicated game of 20 questions on the way back home. i don't recommend playing animal/mineral/vegetable with 2 chemists, unless you like that feeling of thinking so hard that you get dizzy. it's uber challenging, but strangely enjoyable.
so now i'm home and waiting for my fafsa pin to come in an email, wondering if my tv remote is here with my tv, or in luc's car, wasting time online, waiting for tomorow to come so i can get "advised" and registered for the classes that start on tuesday.....everybody cross you fingers for me, i need to convince the EE dean that i should get 128 credits for my 128 credits, instead of 89. and i still have to get my AP scores sent.... stupid AP board and they're high prices for archived scores.....
time to water the lawn. make it green like the feilds in the sound of music so i can dye my hair blond and run around in one of those silly dresses....... hehehehehe,life is crazy and full of unexpected twists....
5/3/02, 10:10pm
summer time is coming, and tonight is making me realize how much it's going to suck being unemployed, broke, without transportation, living with the fam, far away from all my friends, every weekend, for the entire summer. its been a long time since friday night has made me feel like such a loser, but i guess i should get used to it. the worst part about tonight is that i ran some errands for my mom so i could have her car for the night, and now i can't think of a damned thing to do. web comics and vh1....... WOOT!
5/1/02, 1:57pm
interview complete. twas long and made me think that i'm not the flight attendant type. lol, some have told me this before, but i think it was the whole relocating to oakland that drove it home. i can't imagine wearing shitloads of makeup, having big hair, and being chipper while living in oakland. can you see that? maybe with the help of some halucinagens........anyway, time for a nap.........peace
4/30/02, 10:31pmThanks for the correction omlette. copy and paste can be evil
Thanks for signing my guestbook Calvin and Andy!
i hadn't check the damned thing in quite a while. it's nice to know people actually check it out.
i have an interview in the morning with southwest airlines to be a flight attendant. i have to bring an insane amount of info about myself, and the interview is supposed to be really long. this seems like a bit much for a job that requires me to do seatbelt demonstrations and serve peanuts. a couple years ago i interviewed for a internship working on planning the safety brakes on the elevators in the WTC. that interview was 15 min and required a one page resume. sure, things were different before 9-11, but come on.....
i need the job though, so keep your fingers crossed for me.
in other useless news: mom bought some herbs and tomatoe and serrano pepper plants for peo a couple weeks ago. i've been taking care of them as much as i remember. i'm not such a great gardener. they are growing up nicely, but the tomatoes won't make any fruit, even though they are flowering.... at least the mint and sage are growing well....
and here is some funny shit for anyone who knows anything about my relationship with my dad:
"Laltenberg2 (10:25:27 PM): I am living with my girlfriend and her daughter and grandson. The little guy is 4 and he is a great joy. We went to Disneyland with him a couple of weeks ago. Also we have a San Diego Zoo pass so we can go every weekend if we want to. When you come here we will take you to the Zoo."
ROFL........ PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and note how his screen name is peo's real name....... super weirdness...
hopefully that will be the end of the "ugly pigs fly" portion of the year. good luck is soon to come.... knock on wood....
take it easy peeps and drop me a line every once in a while. if i get this job, i might be able to go and chill with you some time soon.
4/18/02, 3:01am
lalalalala...... in less than a month i get to see lucas again.... lalalalalala..... this is where i get shy for some damned reason and change the subject
babble babble babble:
been doin a lot of stuff around the house. drawing up plans for a new deck, measuring the kitchen and taking it apart, moving shit around, and puting it back together, stripping the yard down to dirt to get rid of the weeds, since the grass is nonexistant, talking about paint and tile and hinges and counter tops and fencing and power and driveways.........
doop di doo....slowly, i'm returning to my no sleep, write at 3am, brood a lot, chill with the old peeps, ways of old. it's cool. maybe that means i'll also return to a functioning stomach and compulsive work ethic as well. hopefully this isn't just a good day that will be surrounded by bad ones. i'm gonna keep my fingers crossed on that one.
:end mindless dribble
went to see lech walesa speak at UNT on the 16th with my mom, on sloan's invite. gotta love the weirdness of my mom and sloan getting along. the speech was amusing and covered a more current political agenda than i expected. the crowd was thin, far too thin considering the event was free for students at UNT and SMU. he spoke a lot about the need for the youth of today to take responsibility for the shaping of the current political climate, and about globalization being the way of the 21st century. can't say i'd argue with the man. he was awfuly optimistic about it though. a bit weary and warning toward the youth, but very optimistic about globalization. makes it sound like the end of war over teritory and human atrocities commited over race, religion or culture, while nations can retain their sovierngty. he makes capitalism seem like the appreciation of humans as producers and consumers and not the exploitation of people as producers and consumers. maybe that's just my cynicism taking over, but i have a feeling the majority of people in africa and south america might agree with me. anywho, it's quarter to 6 and i've had enough babling... i'll post a pic some time when i remember to. peace out........
4/14/02, 3:02am
i found this test on luc's live journal and i'm highly amused. it seems that this test affirms the jibes of all the "nice christian" girls back in high school who liked to tell me i was going to hell. it's getting upgraded from web test to rant :o) enjoy.....
what sexual performer are you?
i am the fornicator
you are perverted. in a way. not only do you celebrate excess but you find ways of making everything exquisite. you like pool parties, lots of skin and other gatherings that turn into bachanallian bliss. you're a humanist with near inhuman carnal desires. more often than not you're breed are predicted to rot in hell, so sayeth television evangelists. satan reserves a seat for you.
you won't demure from an orgy if invited and you never cease the search for new contorted bodily pleasures. the party-animal in you could smell the scent of sex from a mile. you say yes to occasional bdsm and say no to bestiality. you are not that low.
oral sex? you like it porn style.
sexual positions? you can write kama sutra variations every year.
4/13/02, 12:57am
gin and tonic is a nice combo... with just a bit of lime.
so now you know my motivation for writing even though i have to get up at the crack of dawn to weed the lawn. i went and saw pitmann yesterday and had a nice chat with her. she calmed my nerves about a lot of crap, and i told her how all the old g'vine peeps are doin that she asked about... it was cool. it amazes me that she remembers all us goofy kids and who we hung out with and cares enough to ask how we all are years later.
so to fill everyone in, who gives a damn.....
i'm going to UTA... probly till i graduate, which will be soon... considering i have an assload of credits....i don't know if i'm going in the summer or fall. right now it depends on stevens sending my transcript.
my grandma margie the ever amusing, really wants me to go to school so she footed the stevens bill for me and now it's all a matter of waiting and seeing what classes i need to take.
i'm still unemployed and in debt and i've become a household accountant....oh the irony.......
leo is harassing me........he's funny..... i'm gonna go now..... you people harass me and i'll update more.....
take it easy and good luck people :o)
3/24/02, 1:57am
and now it's time for another installment of, why drea's life is supremely FUCKED UP
every computer i touch, with the exception of this piece of shit, dies. every company i've worked for in the last 3 years, with the exception of the one i worked for under the table, claims to have overpaid me and wants a whole lot of money back way after the fact. i'm still unemployed. my father called me a couple days ago and said "i wish there were more i could do to help you." (if you don't find that bitterly ironic, don't ask, it's a long story.) i'm on a diet i don't want to be on, and as a result, my favorite pants are too big.
*sigh* i seem to have answered kev's question: does anyone ever write a webpage about how wonderful their life is???
not too often on this site, but i'll make this an exception. my grandma is coming to visit this week! WOOT! my mom and i are going to corpus to pick her up on monday. nothin like playing poker with a 73yr old chain smoker. it's nice to where where i inherited my cynisism from :o)
3/17/02, 3:15am
finally.... a nice night.
went to my sisters to fix her cdrw. the damned cable was not working and the damned cdrw is being a bitch. i got it to stop polling incesantly and locking up the machine, but it still won't burn a working copy of anything. i'll have to keep working on that.
THANKS GUYS! for giving me pointers and refreshing my fried memory when i got confused.
afterward my sister let me tag along to a party her friends were throwing in keller. twas fun. had a few beers, smoked a few cigs, and enjoyed being away from home. she and i are so much alike and so different at the same time. it amuses the hell out of me, and i'm sure a few others.
i have to get new batteries for my camera so i can start documenting the shit i do that's not totally mundane, more often.
take it easy peeps.
3/15/02, 2:00am
la di da.....................................
does anybody know about pager networks? i have a feeling they are low frequency, small bandwidth networks, structured similar to cell phone networks. anybody know? i'm curious and at this very moment too lazy to look it up.
i'm thinkin about restructuring this site. any suggestions? email me any ideas, criticism, etc. i'm getting bored with the format now and i have free time.
3/11/02, 8:26pm
after some nudging from luc, i'm back to tell y'all what i've been up to.
sorry about the laps in updates. the email exchange i was ranting about in the last few entries made me rather disgusted with electronic communication. somehow it's more evil than face to face, even though i thought it would be the other way around. here's a little ironic excerpt to show you what i mean, feedback would be greatly appreciated:
"...the only reason I'm writing this email is because I care about you...please, kill youself now
before you infect other people with your sadism or, god-forbid, procreate...Thank you. I really needed this email. I really needed to be sure that I
was right about how sad and not worth it you are. I thought that maybe
there might be glimmer of who I thought you were in you...but no. Just
fucking revel in your schizophrenia for the rest of your life. Quit
school, never get a job, just feed off of your disgusing, twisted family
until you all shrivel up and die. Do society a favor.
[K______]"
needless to say, some people get violent and overly agressive when they are angry. as a special little ironic note to this whole saga: none of what she's angry about has anything to do with me, but since it is a family member of mine, who btw she claims to have forgiven, i'm getting banket blamed for it, once again, as i was years ago. this all started with her wanting to repair our relationship. she discarded our long standing freindship and blamed everything that happened btw her and someone else, on me bc, as i've mentioned, i'm related to the third party. she seems to think that i'm the one who should be apologizing. i think that is misplaced anger at its best and... well... ironic... if i spent my time apologizing for people i'm related to, i wouldn't have time for much else. i didn't do it, i don't know the truth of the matter, i get extremely different stories every time i hear it, so now is the time when dre throws her hands in the air and says... whatever....it's none of my fucking business i the first place....
so anyway... still looking for a job....
leo's car is no more. the little green honda is totaled. ben won't pay for the wreck he caused and the subsequent devaluation of the car. and that's bout it... hope everyone readin this is doin well, even those curious souls who never drop me a line, and even those who might assume i wish them harm.
2/24/02, 11:21am
previous rant is filed away after chasing 2 cute kids around all morning. it's nice to know that i can be a cynical bitch and still be goofy enough to play with munchkins and keep em happy. thankfully, legos are magical and there is a scooby-doo merathon on, so i've escaped back to ranting. lalala... time for webcomics.....then lunch.......
*just for my own amusments sake i'm gonna add a little note here after the fact: today i moved to geocities. woot! new host!
2/24/02, 6:32ami wish i hadn't gone to sleep last night. then i would have driven my sister and her bf to the airport and been able to pass out when i got home. i wouldn't have been awake at 5am and decided it was a good idea to check my email. i wouldn't have read my email and developed a strong inclination toward genocide. it's funny how someone can say one thing, and i can stand in utter disbelief of their gaul and have no response. i can talk about how i'm beyond anger and discuss why i have no response at length, but i can never turn around, face the ass and say anything sensical. i think it has something to do with there being no sensical response to insanity, but something tells me there is more to it than that. i was responding to insanity for quite some time with what i still see as sensical responses, but now, more and more, i just sit and stare. people don't seem to pay attention to what they say. no one i talk to seems to put any weight to their words. words seem to be a game; they have no meaning other than some kind of symbolic manipulation or propoganda. everyone has been telling me this lately in one way or another...i wonder if it's always been this way or if america has just degraded into such apathy that even the desire to communicate is gone. i know that action speaks louder than words, but it seems now that action is all that speaks. words have no meaning. people say more things that they don't mean, don't deblieve, don't care about, don't notice the ramifications of, or don't care to, than things that they do and to top it all off, they don't seem to think that anyone should mean what they say or care about it or pay attention to what it does, and are all surprized that i put any faith in their intelligence and believe that they might actually mean what they say or that i have the naivety to hold them accountable for it. what's this for then? the internet, books, text, language....all of it? why bother if we're really that apathetic as a culture? lol... now that i think of it, i guess most people don't. i don't know too many people who bother with language. i could probly count them on one hand and have a majority of spaces to fill, and that's especially sad because some of the people who make the list are dead. well no more. it seems that i've developed an uncontrolable response to bullshit. don't talk to me if you don't mean what you say. i won't listen to it anymore.
2/22/02, 5:32ambeen up all night talkin to luc. still talkin to luc. also been writing the same email over and over and over and over again. still haven't sent it. still can't decide what i really want to say. i think most of you have been there before. you get a message that's unexpected. you are so shocked that you want to respond and say exactly what you truely feel, no more, no less,but language sucks when you need it most. how do you convey emotions in text? even more difficult to answer: how do you convey mixed emotions in text?
at this point in my life, i thought i had parted ways with my past, or at least the parts that haunted me. it seems that some of them aren't meant to go away, or just refuse to. either way, i think i'm going to be up for a long time rehashing some painful shite. i suppose that since i'm STILL unemployed, i have the time to think about it, and since i came home to improve my health, it wouldn't be such a bad idea to go ahead and shed a lot of old stress too, but some things i just got used to leaving alone. some things sit under the rug so long you try to forget how they got swept under there in the first place. the only thing that would round out this day's weird surprize factor would be a call from my dad, and pigs flying.
and for those of you who are wondering who could possibly email me and send me into this kind of tirade... i'll give you some hints, and whoever guesses correctly gets a bozo button. here are the clues: 1)think throw back to high school, not a boy friend, i talk to all of those who i had conversed with in the first place and believe it or not, none of them can wind me up like this person. 2)think summer '99, drea livin in the ghetto, just starting at unilever... then (dramatic music *dun dun duuuuuuuun*) personal crisis... oh yes... you're getting warm... 3)here's one for my peeps from g'vine... think scarnes....
and if you happen to be the one who emailed me... i mean you no offense by this posting, i'm just a bit taken aback, and i think you understand why. as a side note, thanks to you i finally got around to forwarding my attila mail to a new account that i actually plan on reading semi-regularly. now i won't lose some of my favorite junk mail when the school disowns me ;o)
2/20/02, 6:42pmi've returned to an old favorite today... i had forgotten how amusing hicks can be. kev's link page reminded me. I love MULLETS!
check out my links page if you're bored. it's a cornucopia of useless, time consuming, crap that makes me happy. web tests are the best of the useless.... they makes being bored out of my mind less noticable. my fav so far is the "if i were an evil criminal i would be...". if you come across a web test i don't have posted... send me a link. my email and aim info are to the left. i have lots of time to waste, please help me :o)
2/15/02, 10:30pmhehehe: Xian0382 (9:05:04 PM): i'm making bridges of electric plasma more adequate than some peoples manliness
playing some dominoes online with chrisitan and luc, eatin oatmeal cookies... nice night all around. babysitting last night was a nice break from home since i thought i would go insane b4, as i'm sure you guys noticed in my previous posting. i went to austin on monday to see eric while he was exploring texas. nothin like some BBQ and chillin in spring-like weather in the middle of winter. sadly, eric only had a few hours to play in austin so i headed over to kelly's to chill with her and chad for a while. of course i ended up talkin to them and shween all night and heading back to arlington after the catharsis was reasonably complete the next afternoon. i got a little extra nastolgia when i awoke on kel's couch to chad playing starcraft. *sniffle* it reminds of the the good old nerds back in jersey *sniffle* i also got to chain smoke a pack of american spirits...... man i want a cig.... man i should really quit.... man i feel like chain smoking. something about unemployment goes well with a cigarette.
oh yeah... and i almost forgot.... leo's birthday was the 8th... happy birthday PEO!!!! he's 20 now. and i have some pics of the birthday party that formed rather spontaneously in the living room. leo's friends are so cute. pictures will follow when my laziass uploads them :o)
2/6/02, 9:30pm
looks like 6-18 months to my escape.... today i was rejected from yet another temp agency. looks like i can't even be a secretary....... oh well... maybe i'll find work eventually.
and for those who give a shit... i'm not using omlettesofts webchat anymore. no offense to amit, but i can't take most of the people who hang out there. if you ever miss me on the webcaht, my AIM and email info are to the left.
peace out.
2/2/02, 8:10am
job... must get job... must move out of this god forsaken house, away from these people who always mean well and do harm, away from this state full of racist, shovinist, ignorant hicks who are convinced they are the way and the light bc they've been saved and they're white. i remember why i left in the first place. jersey may have been full of angry people, but at least they know why they're angry and it's usually a pretty damned good reason. my mother tells me i run away from things. i think i just needed a vacation from jersey and new mexico was that vacation and i'm ready to go back. i'm glad i left it open. it's absurd for me to stay here. i can't even get a job i don't even want. my mother tells me i think too highly of myself and if i want to work my way into the corporate world i'm not going to be able to walk in the front door. why the hell do i have to start as a secretary? well, there is no explination, but i do cause that's the way it goes. well fuck that. it's on. i'm going to go to the grocery to get a job as a clerk and in 8 to 18 months i'll have enough money to go back. fuck texas. it's a great place if your a wasp male, but seeing as i'm not, it's time to move back to the insanity i belong in. lol... never thought i'd say that i prefer jersey over texas.... but it seems hell has indeed frozen over.
1/25/02, 8:18pm
thanks for signing the guestbook guys. if anybody has any suggestions or citicism of my page, or anything else, for that matter, feel free to post it.
so... i'm back in arlington chillin on a friday night with my step brothers and sal. leo went to babysit my sister's kids at like 11am and then took off with his peeps, i'm guessing in denton. nothin like sittin around with a bunch of people who don't talk to me. i could be judging a high school debate tournement at arlington high, enjoying the logic of 16 year olds' views on foriegn policy any making $125 for about 12 hours of sitting on my ass and being talked at, most likly while under the influence of something one of my degenerate friends shared with me between rounds. now you may be saying... that sounds like a lot more fun than hanging out with 2 preteens who ignore you, and you may be correct... but in all reality, my mom advised me not to go... which pretty much means... i'm not allowed. its not worth the fight she'd start over it; she knows this, and i know this, so in essance i'm stuck at home. weird concept for me. i've moved into the twilight zone. ooooo one of them is talking to me... will update again later.....oh wait... that was brief... ok, enough of the twilight zone. i bess be lookin for secretarial work now.... wish me luck... god knows i'm not the chipper secretary type.......
1/22/02, 5:10pm
all you bitches who been readin this shite, drop me a line. luc bothered to put up a counter and now i can see all the hits goin on and i have no idea who's been a checkin in on me, so i put up a guest book, and still have my email address up, y nada. come on... say somethin.... please....please.....
so now to answer the question of the day: how the hell did i end up in new mexico for so long? well, it's beautiful here, i love the demon, and i don't have a job to lose, so what's the difference..... i was sposed to go home tonight, but luc is feelin under the weather, so it seems i'll put the trip off one more day. (i know i said that yesterday and the day before, but as peo put it, i have bad planning ability, so dont' expect much.) then it'll be time to keep looking for a job to no avail. i think it's come down to temping, secretarial work, or headin back to jersey. since hell hasn't frozen over completly just yet, i think i'll be goin the temp route.
oh yeah, check out the day b4 new year... i posted that video of sloan and norbert dancing, that i had promised.
1/17/02, 9:51pm
NEW MEXICO IS BEAUTIFUL!
drove out here with lucas on monday, all day long, after a fun filled stay in arlington. ***Lucas is typing for drea, cuz she's stupid*** So lets recap the last couple weeks. I (thats drea) hung out with my usual friends..blah blah...Then to my SHEER Joy, Lucas arrived. How I was filled with gooey warmness and stuff. Ram was there too. Got Lucas' car fixed, he needed a new muffler after leaving his somewhere on I-40 outside Little Rock. You can read his journal to find out more. ;) Hmmm afterwards, we ate BBQ, saw KPAX for 50 cents, though it was "too Kevin Spacey" according to Steve. Hung out with Peo's friends, very bubbly...kinda...uh...whats the word...#$@$(%*#...anyways...then we took Ram to Austin. Had lunch with Lucas' mom at Casa Rio, she sort of talked to me, much more than usual. Maybe she likes me now?! :) Parted ways and drove up to Austin to hang out with Steven Pan and his very "EMO" friends. They all got dressed up and went to McDonalds for dinner. My attempt at having Peo cater the whole shindig was met with much ReBuff. Then we went to hang more "same old, same old" friends and got to play with pastels and stuff. Lucas and I drew a very AbStRaK pic of Hoboken with the word FRANK written across it. Kevin and Gautum drew a very "interesting" drawing. BTW, Kevin likes to draw Phalyx things ;) Then we drove back to Arlington and traded Electronix since Lucas couldnt take all his goodies with him since he feared his car would bottom out on the road. I must say, trading my 13inch VEGA for a 27 inch TV complete with sound system is a nice deal. Im thinking about keeping it all, just don't tell Lucas ;) Then we drove out to New Mexico, & on the way we stopped and took pics outside El Paso to record my kidnapping. **Note** I only look happy cuz there is a large thing pointed at my back ;)
As you can see, im quite happy :) New Mexico Tech is cool, its very beauitful out here. The people are so friendly and the American Spirits are so cheap. Im honestly thinking about transferring here to finish my degree(s) and I want to be close to Lucas. :) You can probably check Lucas' journal for more stuff about NMT I was supposed to go home yesterday, but to my horrible dismay was kidnapped,but we get to go to Albuquerque all the time and he feeds me well. On out first trip to ALB, we met a nice Sicilian security guard at Circle K and pointed out that if we wanted a Fantastic Italian meal that we should look no further than the restaurant at Exit 166 off of I-40.
Lucas and I started Laughing hysterically but decided to go in anyways. Nothing like a fine Lambrusco on a Wed. night round 9. ;)BTW thats a LATE night here in NM. Everything closes around here at 5pm. The waitress let us stay late to talk. So now im just hanging out, chillin around campus. Soaking in the NM atmosphere. Got Lucas to buy a chess set for $7 at a Gaming store, so I've been kicking his ass regularly. :) Tells me Im staying to help him with a Math Placement test, I think he's just a BOOB. Boob, i like boobs... ( o )( o )s...**That was a Lucas add-on** Thats about it for now, I'll update some more later if I escape. :) Bai Bai
1/6/02, 7:32pmhas anyone been keeping their new year's resolutions? i resolved to not make any this year, and it's a good thing cause i've been nothing but a bum so far, and i don't plan on swaying too far from that. i'll get a job... but otherwise, i think it's gonna be a good year for sinking so deep into a meditative tv watching coma that i come close to understand the 8 fold path and reaching nirvana. i think it's possible. what's the difference bw sitting on a mountain top, stairing blankly at serenity, relinquishing all desire, looking inward, and sitting on a sofa stairing blankly at talk shows, relinquishing all desire, looking nowhere? jerry springer can bring us all to nirvana; we just have to learn to understand the innate relationship between zen and the art of being a couch potato.
anywho... i succumbed to the infomercial last week.leo and i don't look quite so small and cute as we did in this old haloween picture. we're kinda, well, plump now, and well, real lazy, so we fell into the electronic ab machine trap. to the surprize of both of us, the damn thing works. we're using it a lot, and in a week, we're both left kinda sore, like we would if we actually bothered to do sit-ups and a tiny bit more toned. this has not helped my fascination with infomercials, but if i manage to not be so lazy that i can't even strap the damn thing on my body, then i might find myself in better shape. i think laziness might prevail though, and that'll show the infomercial!
1/2/02, 1:30am
Happy 2002 :o)
to clear things up... i'm an ass who needs to get my info straight. i'm sorry that i misunderstood you grace, and for further clarification, i'm the only one who would ever think the other involved in this misunderstanding a bastard, so i hope no one else is blamed for my opinion, since i'm fairly certain i'm alone in it.
that misunderstanding was the highlight of drama for this new year's eve, which i must say, i'm pretty happy about. had a VERY chill new year's day, too. pretty much slept all day and got some food. had to recover from sitting around on new year's eve babysitting and then smoking with the same old fools i've been hangin out with for at least the last 4 new years. i thought it would be lame... but it was nice. i can't decide if i've grown up and calmed down, or just burned out for the moment. i guess next year will tell it.
12/31/01, 3:30amHappy New Year's Eve!!!
getting an early start today... or a late finish to my big day of talking on the phone and watching tv yesterday. going over to my sister's to babysit and possibly plan a trip to austin, if i can get my shit together. have to be out in g'vine by 6:30 am...SUCK! but i should eventually get around to getting plastered tonight, so that will make it all worth while.
have a good time and try not to get arrested tonight guys :o)
12/29/01i've been spending a lot of time with my very foolish friends in denton, being very foolish. i took some pictures with the camera i got for christmas, but since i was so, let us say involved in the vibe of "the compound," that i didn't realize i'd taken the camera off of autofocus, so most of the pictures are a big ball of fuzz, but the 2 surviving pictures say it all:
crooked and....
rediculous
this whole not working or going to school and basically being a bum for the time being thing has made being home when all my friends from around here are home for christmas a real kick ass time. just went to heather's for a lobster dinner and some chill time before she left. i got to see kelly for my obligitory twice a year to disapprove of the new boyfriend time, last week. it worked out well this time too since chad's a friend of mine. 2 in one. even got conned into driving with leo to waco to meet steven pan, then leave the car at deny's and ride in tomas to austin where we spent the day on the drag and talking to a scientologist for the hell of it. ran into people i thought i'd never see after i graduated from high school, which was a happy thought ruined by eating at a UT dorm. even caught up with shween and dragged her back to denton for a party (she's the rediculous one by the way). and to top it all off, i got to hang out with nan and take that nice crooked picture while nice and baked. it was one of those surreal nights. nan and i are a lot alike, and the guys we each went to prom with are a lot a like. she and i both went off the school at opposite coasts, and last night we met up with those guys, who have since become friends and hung out as a group, her old friends from highschool, and mine. if i can get crappy aol to stay connected long enough, you'll see a nice fuzzy video of them "dancing" together. ok, my story telling ability is sucking right now, so i'll blab some more later when my brain is on.
oh yeah, one last thing, somebody up in jersey take lucas some soup and oj for me, cause he's sick :o( and give him a big hug for me. i miss you sweety. :o*
if it's still, reload this frame.
Click this to play or dl.
Sloan and Norbert Dancing like goobers
12/27/01i've been scolded for not updating so let's cathch up now that i fianlly downloaded wsftp and bothered logging in to attila...the going away party went off despite my mother's ranting and the frat's unhappiness with the alcomahol, and only one person was a pain in my ass.. gotta love drunken irishmen who are bitter and like to show it at friendly gatherings... it was really nice to hang out with everyone once last time before i headed out. i really love you guys and miss everyone a whole lot. i'm really also glad that you guys are watchin after the demon for me ;o)
anyway, peo and i made it back to good ole tejas after a little stop in kentucky to visit dave, one of the cool guys he met in vermont, and eat some really good food. it's so nice to have a brother who's a chef and has chef friends....kentucky is so much like texas. it looks the same and people even have the same accent. i think the only diference is the grass being blue instead of brown. now we're adjusting and lookin for jobs while catchin up with old friends and the fam. it's funny how everything changes and nothing changes when you go home.... everyone i know is pretty much the same as they were when i left, plus a few years, plus a few chemical additives, minus a few brain cells. its eiree, yet comfortable.
christmas was pretty chill once the marzipan was over with... a little tip: when you get the brillian idea to make candy for your firends for christmas, DON'T DO IT... it's a maddening amount of work. but everybody seemed to like it, so i guess it was worth it. and i got a digital camera for christmas, so i should have new pictures up whenever i get around to it.
sometime i'll add some good stories, but right now i'm gonna hunt for some breakfast food...
oh yeah, and, Thanks for the christmas card eric :o)
11/30/01(again)
DONE. i'm withdrawn completely from stevens for good. i left a window open so i can come back if all else fails, but i think that hell would have to freeze over, and all other schools would have to close after rejecting me, for me to come back here. you never know though, it could happen. i've said never a few times, and yet look at me, i'm still in jersey writing this, and i make sure to tell everyone i'll be back to visit. love/hate relationships are always amusing thatway....
GOODBYE HELL!
11/29/01(again)
it's 4 in the afternoon and i've read every web comic that i like, that i've found so far, downloaded every nifty program i can find and even made a really goofy flash movie that i'll eventually post to do my part and contribute to the useless web junk of the world. i've spent the day reading and watching all the nifty stuff on the web, so it's about time that i create something to help others procrastinate.
but see, that would be semi-productive so i have to procrastinate before i can post it. instead i'm going to find something to do cause ellis is so bored he's watching my update, and that's just sad....ok, now he has donuts.... yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
11/29/01..........GOING AWAY PARTY.............. since luke and i are leaving hoboken and the evil, there is a planned going away/christmas party on
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8. IM or email me and let me know if you want details
(thanks for the correction eric :o)
11/28/01
Puting up a page just before i leave the wonder that is jersey, hoboken
and NYC. I'm gonna miss this place, even the smell down by the path. Maybe when i come back to visit some day the trade center
will be back up new and improved. Lets hope so....
Now lets see how long the evil alows my withdrawn self to keep this page up,
shall we...